The wind blew harder. Never hard enough to mar her vision, yet hard. Her loosely tied hair was now let open, gently caressed by the moving air. The flowing dupatta made her happy. Thanks to all those less womanly days of formals and jeans. She truly enjoyed the femininity bestowed upon her by the curves and in-shape tailoring of her salwar. After years, she remembered to pin the shawl and cover her bosom and the deep neck line. She was wondering yet how long she took to dress up for the casual meeting with him. Why would a cup of coffee demand so much of touch up? May be its not the coffee. May be it’s him. May be it’s him after so many years.
“The conversation was pretty short, wasn’t it?”, she asked herself. May be I hurried to break the ice. I should have given him a chance to start the conversation, atleast now. For every time in the past, he wanted to talk and win me over. Poor thing. I never gave him a chance. Or may be, he wouldn’t have wanted to talk at all. After so many years of silence, may be he forgot to talk anymore. Perhaps, he’d have been too worried to choose the right words and lay the perfect situation for talking. I’m usually right. And almost always right, about anything vaguely relating to him.
The phone vibrated in the leather pouch, held tight in her hands. She would have always yearned for somebody to call. But now, the vibration seemed to disturb her. She didn’t want to feel anything other than the chill of the wind. She took the phone, to turn it off. The call ended as she took it. She glanced at the clock. She was way late. It’s almost turning six. She should have been at Ann’s at five. Dialling him immediately, she cursed her tight schedule. The laburnum laid pathway was so welcoming that she didn’t want to walk back. The drooping laburnum bunches and their yellow glow were mesmerising. The evening sun could be the most unforgettable sight of the day. She craved to make it to the beach. But the choice was between him and the sea. And it didn’t take a second long for her to decide. She turned and looked around for a taxi to reach Ann’s. Perhaps, she missed something. She waited and went back to the laburnum. She disconnected the unattended call, and clicked her mobile camera. That was the best shot of her life.
Turning back, she got into the next taxi that came her way and sent him a text apologising for the delay, begging him to wait.
“Nandan, have you ever thought of the possibilities of killing yourself?” Her question was more than just troubling. I instantly knew where this conversation would lead to. Wanting to wind it up, I gulped the remaining drink in my glass and mumbled an inaudible cry. I wanted to leave. She just wouldn’t budge from her stand. Her thirst seemed to grow beyond getting an answer. As if, only my blood could quench. For the first time, I saw through the bitch in her. The blood thirsty vampire. Not a second long, and I was filled with guilt. Wasn’t she my princess? The love of my life. She still is. There cant be another woman I love more than her. But then, look at us now. Not loving would have been fine. But the hatred that’s filling our gap is incinerating.
She woke me up from my thoughts with her vicious laugh. I wanted to cry. For help. For mercy. Here she is, laughing at my helplessness and all I want is just an escape. This running away is tiring me. I’m shunning her stares away. Shamelessly, they are returned more intense and deep. When would this accusation stop! She broke my thoughts again. She held my hand over the table. “Have you hated me so much? Answer me please. What’s come over us? We used to be so much happier.” I wanted to yell at her. “Yeah, we were so much at peace and harmony. And now we are not. So what? Why the heck are you always pointing at me?”. I wanted to ask. But I kept quite. Arguments dont hold a chance. Not with her. I silently pulled my hands away and rose to leave. “I’m starting to office. Half an hour late already. May be we can catch up in the evening.” Surprisingly, she just nodded, and said, “May be we can. Evening sounds perfect to me too.” I wanted to stay for a while more and see her yell at me as usual, as I ended every conversations. Today seemed different. She was blankly staring at the phone’s screen. I couldn’t take my eyes off her and bring myself to leave her. I was worried if my eyes were welling up. But I saw hers first. After years, she cried in front of me. All those things that she said blared in my head. After everything, she’s crying! I should have been feeling nothing. But I was shook by her tears, the impact of which dawned upon me, unforgivably late. She looked up at me, with her proven skill of holding back her tears. “Didnt leave yet? I’ll be there at Ann’s at five.”. I was pulled back to my senses.
“Yeah, I was just waiting for you to say something. Bye then.”, I managed. She assured, “Its okay. Bye.”. Its okay? What? Me leaving the conversation is okay? Or me staying for her to assure me is okay? I didnt have time to answer all those questions that popped. I walked out of the restaurant, away from her. The way she did it to me. Ann’s was assuring. I knew she’d come. Definitely to Ann’s.
Why are people so stupid? Rather so cunning? Or cunningly stupid like me? What was I saying to myself the other day and all the days that passed? That I wouldn’t die I wouldn’t die. A hundred times I wouldn’t die! Yet again, I attempted. This one was serious. Not that others weren’t. But this one was certain. I would die. With all my senses, I was prepared to embrace the seducing death. (Should I rather call it charming death? Lol.) A handful of paracetamol tablets kills you. So was my knowledge atleast. Now that I am alive, I know it does shit to you! The tablets were my last resort. Took out the compass and all those sharp edged tools my unsuccessful engineering life had gifted me in the past. As blunt as my life, nothing was sharp enough to cut through me. Except for frail and fading cuts, they were good for nothing. But then, death was so tempting. After life was inviting. As though somebody from the other world talked me into a migration of worlds!! LOL!!
Why do I laugh so much? Rather, do I laugh at all? When did I start falling into the group of those who never moved a muscle as they typed ‘rotflmao’ or ‘argh’!! I always felt the laugh, the anger, the sorrow. Online or offline, emotions or people never changed for me. But now, what have I become? An insensitive unresponsive depressed psycho. Nobody calls me a maniac. The one who would run around and spoil things for everyone. I am always and forever seen as the silent killer, who suck life out of everyone and everything with silence. My ominous silence. Echoing sorrow and grief in every soul that crossed.
Am I not man enough? She tells me I aint. She tells me I am crippled from inside. Ruined and mutilated. Too much a coward that I cant even look at my own wounds and tend to them. I couldn’t bring myself to embrace her. All that she’d wanted could be a touch. A word of assurance. But I was numb. Numbness that she fails to notice. Cowardice is what she names it. But, couldn’t it have been just my helplessness… Ah! Whom am I justifying to? Myself? Sigh.Perhaps, she’s right. As ever. As right as her prudence can take her to be. My prudent princess,you may move souls. At times, you could crush them too. For so much is your power. So much is your worth. So much is your charm!
Why? Why would I even want to kill myself again? I’m dead. Way back then, I was dead and cremated and mourned upon. Mourned upon? Not sure, but yet. Everybody was given a chance. Why would I push myself through it again? Not necessary. I am not planning to end my already ended life. Its pointless. And I, of all people, dont do pointless things. Its the self righteousness and rationalism overpowering me. Sometimes, overthrowing the ‘power’ itself. Every broken element around you laments and begs for your mercy. To attend to it and fix its broken pieces. But a broken glass never complains. Or may be its screams for help are lost unheard in the shattering itself. Its ‘broken’. There’s not a fix to it. Perhaps, the glass is wiser to know its fate by itself, a step ahead than the onlookers.
I may not be the broken glass. Often, glasses are broken by me. Broken remains broken always and knows its state for itself. Nobody can help anything about it. Coz in the end, its just broken. And shattered! Dont try to pick up the pieces. Every one of them has a sharp edge, to cut through you and drip your blood till the last drop of it. Dont touch. I aint any blood thirsty vampire!
I’m different. Unique. The most. I’ve my ways. Seemingly indifferent yet simply different. Reasons to die. To quit. To put off the light. Everyone has it. What’s new if all I have are the same? I’ve MY reasons. Reasons not to live. Not to live means death? Essentially, it has such an implication. But no such definite meaning to it. My reasons are the ones that tell me why I shouldn’t live every other moment of my life, dragging me through the very same life.
Shove those reasons down my throat. Tell me why I dont deserve living the moment, every single moment of life. Because, I am not dying anymore. Not again! Not without reasons! Rather, not with reasons ‘not’ to live.
The title wouldn’t a ring a bell to most. For its a private business of mine. A long started never completed mid way dropped novel or somewhat similar writing of mine. I’m reviving it here. Except for the title, the whole content is refreshed and am beginning from the scratch. Episode by episode. Scene by scene. Dialogue by dialogue. 🙂
Starting from today, its gonna be a series of posts. Check for the tag/category to distinguish it from my other ramblings. Here I go…
“The silence was deafening. Any other day, she’d have yelled at him. But today was different. She couldn’t raise her eyes to look at him. How would the voice rise! It felt the last moment. The last breath they exchange. The last sight they share. She decided to turn and walk away. She turned on her heels. Started walking swiftly. Slowly running now. Gathering pace, she knew she didnt take the opposite direction. She was towards him. With him a few feet away, she couldn’t stop now. She collapsed. On his chest, the warmth that drove her crazy all life! Instantly, she felt a push. And it didnt take long to understand it was him. Pushing her away, he turned. Walked away without a word. The silence was deafening. ”
to be continued…