I am scared of people suddenly. This evening, I was thinking about how people around each one of us are actually kids and how easy it is to handle if you think of them as just kids! Quoting some recent incidents, an egoistic bastard (or so I thought) turned to be a silly attention seeking child! All he wanted was, perhaps, some attention and acknowledgement among the peers! I was so irritated by his continuous expressions of gloating, so much so that I was almost beginning to hate him! And suddenly, he revealed himself to be a really innocent child, struggling to bring some attention on him! I could easily let my frustration go away, and be cool with him again. More to quote, I have been thinking of all those silly fights going around me. I imagine all of them to be stubborn little kids, and suddenly I keep my cool again.
Despite all these wonderful thoughts of mine, suddenly I am scared. Of people. Human ambience is making me uncomfortable. I tend to avoid people. Even the usual company. And suddenly when I find it odd, I try to grab it back and ruin things further. I am disturbed by the random faces and the mindless ramblings around me. I am afraid of being in human company!
So why is your hair so long? (addressed to a guy!) What does it take to answer, ‘Coz hair just grows like that!’, knowing that the whole intention of the question was not just ‘that’! I have not yet defined what does it take to get that extra edge to tackle such ‘concerns’! The point is, how do you suddenly look at things differently and lightly and all the more satisfyingly! Hearing about this guy who quit job after ten years of savings, worth 4 lakhs, deciding to enjoy life till the money runs out, and then start over again with something else! I don’t know if I am laughing at him or laughing at myself. Do I want to do that? No I don’t. But do I believe that’s stupid? No I don’t. It’s too daring for me to think, but too possible to execute. What’s it that stops me? I guess it must be a very similar reason that stops most of you. More than the instability on life and livelihood, it’s the answerability that stops us. Going back home, the necessity to explain yourself to your parents, to the spouse, to the extended family and friends!
You want a career break. Whom do you inform? Your boss? Your company? Your immediate family? Makes sense so far. What is your second cousin’s father in law or your niece’s fiancé doing in your career decision? Why is it that every Tom, Dick and Harry hold you answerable to them? You want a divorce. You want an adoption. You want to preach bachelor hood. You want to do bungee jumping! To who all do you explain the reason and rationale behind each of your life decisions. Why is everyone so ‘concerned’!
Why is it that a disease in the family undergoes autopsy within the family, even before the patient know anything. Why is it that a lot of us don’t see the border line! Isn’t that a simple logic! Stay out of my business. I will stay out of yours too. Poking into another man’s shit just gives in more space for someone else to poke into yours!
Is 2015 all about happiness? I wonder why bliss is my only topic these days. I think happy. I feel happy. I am happy. And now I write happy. Is it that there’s nothing bad happening yet? 22 days into the year and I sure have more than 22 reasons to be extremely sad and depressed ranging from… Well, let’s talk about what causes happiness. Sorrow is omnipresent. But happiness is the new guest I don’t know how to welcome yet! Should I just smile? Should I say it out? I don’t know. How do I make the happiness stay? I have been thinking if I could list down what all made me happy in the immediate past.
# The aunty who sits at the reception desk that I pass by every morning, walking into the office. I felt really good she said good morning ‘only’ to me. Felt special among my colleagues, for God knows what reason!
# A friend/colleague got into a project finally. I have no clue what in that makes me so happy. I could see myself practically grinning, reading her WhatsApp message about the allocation.
# Caught hold of that bug! Spot on! Right away shared a screen shot to the supervisor, sitting just a cubicle away. I was so happy hearing them laugh aloud. They were already wondering what to do with the newbie ‘bug’! (Or the newbie ‘me’!)
# So immensely happy Swathi is just like me! Learns things faster in reverse than in order. 100..99..98.. Proud moment of seeing myself her in! (Am I not to be sad she reminds me of an uncertain me!) I am excited seeing her grow up!
# Tamil is in the air! And the happiness is inexplicable! A colleague in team and so many other faceless Tamil voices in the air! Hardly any conversation that I hold, I am still beaming listening to the flowing Tamizh!
# Happy daughter again! Yelling screaming parents *tada* back in passionate conversations with me! Just like that! I have the magic back with me to pull them out of yelling at me, pushing them back to *cajole me* mode!
# This moment of happiness. Of finishing a bulleted post. A desire always held close to heart! To sound a like an authentic blogger!
Let me not have another bulleted list of sorrows. They are always safer under covers. But one little sorrow.. I had a special post planned for Jan 1st! And all these days of neglecting my blog, I thought I had already put it up! Chuck that! Maybe Feb 1st! 🙂