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Author: soumya

Changing images..

“Alone in the crowd”. What does it mean to you? A clichéd sentence? That it sure is. It is a very basic emotionally crappy but mercilessly over used statement. But when at times it really grows beyond the hollowness of the words, the whole weight of the world settles down on your self. No sound would come out. No signs of life would be seen. All in life, you’d wonder why isn’t even death giving you company. It’s as though, everyone and everything is afraid of you. Running away from me, I am not sure if they are safe or get hit in their running spree.

In my initial days of ‘socialising’, (ie getting introduced to orkut and chat), the images with tags amused me. As a matter of fact, I still am  a fan of images with words on them. I was so greatly addicted that I used to switch my display pic every now and then. Back then, I had this image that said, “My presence intimidates you, doesn’t it?”. It was not suggestive of anyone. It rather included everyone then. My world then, comprised of my random group of friends who had ‘immense’ respect and fear towards me, a obsequious sister, a protective brother and parents who’d rather stay aloof from my things. None of them seemed like they shivered in my presence, but evidently, it wasnt difficult for me to make it happen either. However, I never chose to intimidate anyone.

Images changed. Things changed too. Then came the gtalk image collections. The ‘autumn leaf’ and the ‘pen in hand’ were my favourites. Albeit, I switched to the freshness of the ‘green leaf’ or the playfulness of the ‘monkey face’. The ‘red rose’ tempted and lingered. I never budged though! 😛 Out of nowhere, ‘my’ snaps proved the best to me! Made a resolution to myself that all my photo statements would be trademarked, all copyrights to me. All because, ‘somebody’ commented I am good with photography, that my hand aint shaking holding the camera!! Anybody remembers?

Ever since then, it has always been my clicks that spoke. The ‘shadow’ era was then. Nothing but the shadows of everything! I didnt miss a single shadow. The flowing hair can be shot in the shadow, without the flowing tears. The proud stride can be seen, without the frail smiles. A silhouette leaves a lot to the viewer to imagine! That was my lesson number one for myself with photography! But the underlying principal, the zeroth lesson, was given to me by my bro. He never managed a click as good as mine(no offense, lol), but still gave me the best lesson in photography. I should have known it for myself, but he had to tell me the focus of the image is the corners and never the centre!

I took photos. From the 2MP phone camera, I moved on to the 5MP digital camera. Then further, got pushed down to a 3.2MP phone cam since that came in more handy. The railway tracks, the hairpin bents, the endless road, the splashing water.. everything was clicked. Somewhere in between, I lost track of my snap and display pic sync. I moved back to my ‘image with words’ style. On with, “Walking away from everything…”, “Do not dare touch my phone.”, “I have my own rules..”. All those were my phone wall papers, at various points of time. Even now, I’m stuck with something that displays a false message that the phone is locked! I miss those awesome snaps of mine! I need a camera. An awesome one! And I have to win a photography competition! Lol. Never in life have I had such a clear goal. 🙂

All these ramblings are here now coz I went through every single snap of mine from the past today. Was searching for an image to set up as Google+ image.  And what did I get!! LOL. I am badly in need of an awesome collection of pics! Life can be awesome or gruesome. It never bothers enough. For all that it is, life is still picturesque! A photograph yet to be perfected. Waiting for a bold camera. My snap is not done yet.

The final lap

Nobody ever makes it to the final lap. Knowing it all, I still run. Ran into an old friend today. Doing her bachelor’s degree in Visual Communication, she had her course of living. Facebook naturally lets you take a look. And what I saw leaves me awestruck! Instantly, I grew jealous of her. All those things, that she now does, were my passion once. Or may be, they still are. And I had no clue what would actually take me to my destiny, which truly would be mine, and make me happy at the same time. And now when I look at it through these camera lenses, I assume strange dimensions and weird hues to my imaginations.

Its too late for the right move. To the right thing. To the right position. To the right decision. To the person. I dont decide anymore. My decisions have started failing me. Leaving things to their course of happenings. Uneasiness is settling around everywhere. Fear gripping me tighter.

She does This!

The Fear

If there’s one thing that completely occupies me other than a book, it always will be a journey. Travelling around has been something that I always loved. Unknown roads, uncertain destinations. That’d be how I love it. But yeah, considering my limited resources for such an expedition, I tend to be more than happy with a planned itinerary through the ever same roads. Being alone, having time for yourself, talking to oneself. They are the best parts of a travel. The plugged in headset and the book in hand ruin the tranquility a journey offers. But now if you see me travel, I always have either one of them or mostly both of them with me. They spoil the fun. But they are indispensable to me now. Having time, talking to myself. They are all tiring me. I just dont need time alone. I’d have chosen to write. But now, I dont write that liberally. My writing is limited to my stipulated time slots. So I read. I dont sing. And I dont want to talk. So I listen.

Fear is something that never crept into my journeys. I dont know how could it be possible that I’m actually afraid of something relating to travel? Afraid of bus travel? What phobia is that? Whatever that is, that’s what I’m suffering from. My most dreadful six hours were today! The ones that I’d not forget a life time. The darkness rushing into you, the chill running down your spine. Shivering in the cold outside, and fear inside. Crying and consoling yourself. Acting normal to avoid the stares, dying within to shut down everything around you. It was a wreck. A mishap. Never again happening. Never alone. The fear is abysmal. As much as the darkness. The journey is eerie. As much as the memories that gush out.

Talking aloud your fear calms down, is the crap that I always hear. I have no such stupid notions. My fears go with me to the grave. It gave me a good blog post. That’s all the idea behind ‘screaming’ out your fear! So, all those who read. Dont come and advocate me how pointless is my fear and convince me to get rid off it. Thanks. 🙂

Broken!

Why? Why would I even want to kill myself again? I’m dead. Way back then, I was dead and cremated and mourned upon. Mourned upon? Not sure, but yet. Everybody was given a chance. Why would I push myself through it again? Not necessary. I am not planning to end my already ended life. Its pointless. And I, of all people, dont do pointless things. Its the self righteousness and rationalism overpowering me. Sometimes, overthrowing the ‘power’ itself. Every broken element around you laments and begs for your mercy. To attend to it and fix its broken pieces. But a broken glass never complains. Or may be its screams for help are lost unheard in the shattering itself. Its ‘broken’. There’s not a fix to it. Perhaps, the glass is wiser to know its fate by itself, a step ahead than the onlookers.

I may not be the broken glass. Often, glasses are broken by me. Broken remains broken always and knows its state for itself. Nobody can help anything about it. Coz in the end, its just broken. And shattered! Dont try to pick up the pieces. Every one of them has a sharp edge, to cut through you and drip your blood till the last drop of it. Dont touch. I aint any blood thirsty vampire!

I’m different. Unique. The most. I’ve my ways. Seemingly indifferent yet simply different. Reasons to die. To quit. To put off the light. Everyone has it. What’s new if all I have are the same? I’ve MY reasons. Reasons not to live. Not to live means death? Essentially, it has such an implication. But no such definite meaning to it. My reasons are the ones that tell me why I shouldn’t live every other moment of my life, dragging me through the very same life.

Shove those reasons down my throat. Tell me why I dont deserve living the moment, every single moment of life. Because, I am not dying anymore. Not again! Not without reasons! Rather, not with reasons ‘not’ to live.

Nandan.

Lost in perfection!

The title wouldn’t a ring a bell to most. For its a private business of mine. A long started never completed mid way dropped novel or somewhat similar writing of mine. I’m reviving it here. Except for the title, the whole content is refreshed and am beginning from the scratch. Episode by episode. Scene by scene. Dialogue by dialogue. 🙂

Starting from today, its gonna be a series of posts. Check for the tag/category to distinguish it from my other ramblings. Here I go…

“The silence was deafening. Any other day, she’d have yelled at him. But today was different. She couldn’t raise her eyes to look at him. How would the voice rise! It felt the last moment. The last breath they exchange. The last sight they share. She decided to turn and walk away. She turned on her heels. Started walking swiftly. Slowly running now. Gathering pace, she knew she didnt take the opposite direction. She was towards him. With him a few feet away, she couldn’t stop now. She collapsed. On his chest, the warmth that drove her crazy all life! Instantly, she felt a push. And it didnt take long to understand it was him. Pushing her away, he turned. Walked away without a word. The silence was deafening. ”

to be continued…

The Economy class!

Makes you think of the flight class? Well, its not. The single time travel in an aeroplane leaves me with less or no voice to write about ‘Economy class’ travel! I was kid stupefied by the luxury of the inside of a flight. It gave me no room to think of different ‘classes’ of luxury, back then. May be someday, I might actually write on it though! 😛

For now, its about my “economics” lectures at college. More about the lecturer than the lecture itself! One word. Awesome! That’s what she is. But if you ask the college, no one would agree to me. Or may be some crazy streaks like me would agree! She’s not an excellent teacher. She doesn’t teach you a thing, to be frank. She comes. She talks. Rather advises. And somewhere between all the ramblings, there’d be something you’d like to note down as lecture note to push some actual ‘economics’ into your head! Trust me its damn difficult to distinguish them from her ramblings! Her biggest theory, (actually suggested by some Economist I didnt bother to take notice), is something like this. “If one is better, the other is worse.” The theory as such sounds economically normal, doesn’t it? The abnormality strikes when you listen to her switch topics, like you switch browser tabs. No conversation or lecture is ever completed. She talks about the indiscipline in class. And then she says, how one is worse when the other is better! Still confused as in about what’s actually worse!

The other day, a guy walked in by the end of the hour, planning to attend the next hour. And oh my god! This lady invites him and advises him how important attendance is. Eventually, the guy got attendance for that hour and all the previous absences coz of his ‘illness’! (With other teachers, ten min delay => no attendance until you lick her foot! :P)

She knows a lot of things. About Economics, Accountancy, current affairs, University procedures and a lot more. But she still doesn’t know enough! Who would be surprised in a college that teacher is addressed by name? Lol. She will be. Annoyingly surprised and terribly shocked!

With her mannerisms and looks that resemble my much cherished aunt, she makes me glued to her every word and movement. With awe! Her miserable ‘playboy’ mishap, mutually opposing view points, her eccentric poetic recitals, and the brimming genuinness! I’d call her awesome. Miserably awesome! More as a person, than as a teacher.

The Big Bang!

I thought it was a bomb blast. Even hallucinated limbs flying and blood splashing all over. Thought all my life’s pain and joy ends there. But it wasn’t. Nothing happened. It was just a crackers show for a marriage reception. Crackers? Marriage? Seriously! Well, it should be normal. Except for the extravaganza, what’s wrong in it? The guests were impressed! Oh my fucking god! You call that a marriage reception buffet? It was like you stepped into some food festival! From North to South of India. From panipuri to kappayum ulli chathachathum! People were gobbling up. Disgustingly. So did I. Ate in silence. Self humiliated by the crowd’s gluttony and the splendour of money in every object around me.

The hatred wasn’t instant. It brewed in me, ever since I started looking around and observing these marriage dramas around me. In the first place, I wouldn’t have gone at all except for the pressure from my caretakers now. With my parents, I know what would have I done. A stern ‘no’ and I’m not going for any drama. But today, I had no choice. Posing for a group photo with people you meet for the first time in my life? NO WAY! But what did I do? I went along. Not like me. Never like me. But luckily, the camera didn’t care enough to click! Had I opposed, would it have been bossing them? Or just genuinely my right to voice my choice? I was worried. So I acted as instructed. As expected. The ideal me.

Its ridiculous. I didn’t do it with total unwillingness. Some part of me said its okay to attempt the change. I attempted. That’s it. No more of it. Done with changes. Life is perfect for me the way it is.

Random thought!

Most that I write are random things. Everytime, though, I manage to channelise what I write so that it fits under some category and title. But today, I dont feel like hiding the randomness. Its just too huge to be hidden. I’m in love. With my letters. My words. My phrases. My clichés. My accent. My writing. My language. So with yours. So with theirs. So with everybody else’s. Does that sound vaguely insane? Practically, yeah. Its kinda absurd that someone likes all that they say and read and re-read them . Its like licking your own ****. Lol. Or is it? I dont care however it is. I’m just all in love with what I write. They make me happy. When I read them again and again, they give me a tickle in my stomach. I take pride. 🙂

But now, is pride wrong? Vanity is. But pride isn’t. It makes a person. How can it be wrong then! But what you take pride in, is also important.
Words are precious to me. I’m proud coz I still have words for myself. May be not eloquent. May be not elegant. May be not appropriate. May be not even linguistically correct or socially accepted. May not be worth a read at all! But they are still mine. Having them as mine, and mine forever, with no one to claim over, I’m proud. I take pride in myself. Regain it for me.

Valluvar dinam

Heard of such a guy? Thiruvalluvar? Today is supposedly ‘his’ day. Dont know more details. But wanted to share all that I knew about the legend. His masterpiece, the ‘Thirukural’. Its life changing potential. The poetic charm of the verses. The thoughts that’d linger a lifetime. The weight of the language setting in. Tempting for more Tamil. More love. More poems. More passion. More meaning. More to life.

Even thought of choosing a verse for a day and brief about it. Everyday. But as ever. You propose. Somebody else disposes. Ah whatever. I’m done proposing. Let things come the way they know for I’m too dumb, rather lazy, to guide them further. As life has it!

Wish nothing’s disposed again. I wanna start with it. My thirukural days. As long as it stays.

Pongalo pongal!

The tamil new year. Pongal was today. Guess new years have a problem with me this year! Lol. Didn’t get a single message or wish from anybody. Why does that feel bad now? I was never that kinda person. In the end, may be I was. Having them always, I could notice their worth only when absent. 🙂

Gifts did find their way to me though, if not wishes. Surprising unexpected gifts. I’m glad. One such gift was an awesome thought that struck me today. A wonderful idea that I thought over for hour and hours today. But to hell with the new year unluck charm on me! I totally have no memory of the thought expect for how awesome it was and how I was craving to put it down here in my blog. Bad bad bad memory!

So where was I? Yeah, the Tamil New Year. Hope it has something good in store for everyone. Should be writing more about Tamil, if not IN Tamil. Its sweet, elegant and majestic. Tamizh vaazhka!