Confessions. One after the other. Right on my back! And my heart. Broken.
Confessions. One after the other. Right on my back! And my heart. Broken.
So what do you get of the title? That I had a wonderful awesome date with some ‘you’? Or just a pleasant calm day with somebody special? Lol. Its none. Its just a morning with ‘u’. Or simply, mourning! What am I mourning though? I dont know. Do you actually need a reason? Well, I do. I should have reasons. For anything and everything. Coz I’m rational beyond any rationale! Irrational rationalist! Sounds cool? Or weird? Or disgusting? I dont know. But I know how it feels. Just slightly better than crap and that’s it.
Why the heck am I still holding on to something that makes me feel like crap? Coz somebody occasionally compliments me. About how bold I am to have the guts to face things as they are? How reasons and parameters dont frighten me? No way! The compliment doesn’t complement the shit feel. Despite them, my reasons and rational thoughts, by themselves be the reason for my existence. At a moment like this, feeling like the entire world is closing upon me, if I can still write, I owe something to my rational brain.
Nonchalance. No way near solace. But yet, it gives me a feel of triumph. Victory over myself. The feel of having the reins back again in your hands. I’m beginning to savour this moment. Of nonchalance. Of peace. Of solitude.
Got a set of three books last month. Voraciously read and finished the last book today. Its strange. Just so strange that I’m like this. Finding meaning to everything and symbolising everything to something. But trust me this was different. I wasn’t merely symbolising with the book. I could relate. Perfectly. To every single line of it. I thought I’d write a biography before I die. Atleast a personal diary which will be let public after my death. But not anymore. After this book, I just dont have anything more to write. Its all said. Straight and precise.
If there’s one thing you’d like to do for me, please dont read the book. (if at all if you get to know the book title by ANY chance.) Dont ever. But I really want someone to read the author’s note. Or do I? May be not. 🙂
The best that I’ve ever read!
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate.
I am the captain of my soul.
– William Ernest Henley
Never in life have I actually understood an English poem. Let alone like it. English poems felt too shallow. For I never reckoned the abysmal depth of the language. I never truly acknowledged the power of words and their profound implications. But with this verse, I seemed to have got something out of it. Coz I fell in love with it from the moment I saw the title and read thru and between the lines. Falling deeper for my ‘the’ most cherished English verse!
Ever wondered why? Why is that these many wise people around us do not make a change to the net addition of wisdom in this world? The answer is simple. Not as much as the question. Still.
Wisdom is that strange wild untamed animal in you that jumps out when you least want it. When you roll on the floor and laugh your ass off. When you cry shattering every element of peace and fortune around you. Or atleast, when you are this close to sleep. As much as shutting your eyes tight and typing without looking just because a new year resolutions is better unbroken!
If only if you could pause all the hard laughs and violent tears and hovering sleep, the world would have been a better place. Full of wisdom. Full of truth.
But then, who said truth stays above all those happy laughs and touchy weeps and inviting sleeps? Truth isn’t worth missing so much. Truth doesn’t lie
beyond. Laugh happy, cry to the fullest, sleep profoundly. Life comes along. So does wisdom. So does truth. Btw, who cares even if it doesn’t anyway!
P.S. Dont search for ‘sensitivity’ in the title or anywhere in here. 😛
This is not a book a review. Not quite that kinda person who’d sit back and judge. But yeah, some things come innate. Like annoying symbolisms and intentional pricks. Symbolism is one thing that hugely did wonders to my life. The book is just another instance. I’m not gonna brief the story and spoil the fun. Its worth a read. (A second read takes a bit more of me!)
Is it so difficult to change something? So painstaking to fight back? Does it always feel like the whole world is on a mission against you? I guess it does. Or even worse. And the worst is yet to come! People are stupid. They say to fight back. Stop to turn and look at the beast’s eyes. As if your stare can freak out the thing that’s chasing you down. Trust me nothing works. None of them. Not running away from the crisis is not an option. Running away is not an option either. Does that mean you have no choice to make?
Exactly my point! You dont have a choice to make. You dont get to decide whether to run or to stay. Any effort of thought renders delayed solutions and worsened situations. And that’s where most of us screw up. Brilliantly! Trust your instincts and nothing else. Nobody is as right and as wise as you are! For nobody else actually is so keen in solving your curry in the ass problem!
Fighting back against all odds isn’t bad. Not wrong. Its just a bit tough. But worth the difficulty. Or is it? Coz if you lose, you are stuck with the beast again. And worst yet, if you win, you dont even have a beast to fight back in life? So what say? Is there actually a choice to make? 😛
Jan 1st post. Posted on Jan 2nd. Does this say anything about me? Well, it does. And I’d rather choose to keep it to myself. I had this wonderful resolutions of one post a day for the new year. I even had awesome strategies to boost myself and squeeze some precious words of wisdom from myself. Simple yet strategic. I’d choose an event of the day and write about it everyday. Life being so eventful for me (got the sarcasm??), I’d never run out of topics too. Ironically though, a very eventful day finally leaves you with little or no time to relax. Let alone, lie down on ya bed and search for the most apt words to beautify your post. It just gets as messy and as eventful as the day itself. And that leaves with you such awkward moments of titling posts like these!
But its fine. I’d find some means of getting past that obvious irony! Eventful days are what I love in the end. Yesterday was one heck of it. The new year was indeed awesome. From most trivial to the grand astounding things I’d have ever wanted to do! All in a day! That truly is one heck of a feeling! Of all things, the one thing I dont want to miss sharing is the inexplicable feel if breaking the awesome rules pushed down your throat! Got to sit by the door for an hour long train journey and that was “awesome”! To get thru the feel of jumping down to the inviting river, to fight back the slamming door, and finally, to avoid the pestering stares from the unavoidable crowd!! That was one thing I’d have essayed about yesterday. But today, that’s outdated na? And its not like I didnt write anything at all. 🙂
Waiting for tomorrow. For something to push me into writing. Resolutions are kept. Promises are given. Atleast this year! 😛
“Okay. I quit. I’m done. Cant take this anymore.” If you ask me, its the same dialogue that all wimpy pigheaded dumbasses say at the instant of a crisis. The moment you sense risk. The moment you think you dont have that extra one bit of what it takes to get past that moment. The moment you think its time to quit.
Not talking generally or particularly about quitters. Just casually about those egoistic (wimpy) bastards (or bitches). Those losers who are afraid to lose. Too egoistic to make a second attempt. Too stubborn to change the wrong ways. Too stupid to identify themselves going wrong. Just too much of a crap.
Ah! Seriously? Where was I? What was I to relate? Did I mean to say I’m one of those pathetic quitters? May be I meant to say I’m even worse. For I believe, a resume button will always appear each time I quit. Loser!