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The Last Straw Posts

Sense and sensibility

Ever wondered why? Why is that these many wise people around us do not make a change to the net addition of wisdom in this world? The answer is simple. Not as much as the question. Still.

Wisdom is that strange wild untamed animal in you that jumps out when you least want it. When you roll on the floor and laugh your ass off. When you cry shattering every element of peace and fortune around you. Or atleast, when you are this close to sleep. As much as shutting your eyes tight and typing without looking just because a new year resolutions is better unbroken!

If only if you could pause all the hard laughs and violent tears and hovering sleep, the world would have been a better place. Full of wisdom. Full of truth.

But then, who said truth stays above all those happy laughs and touchy weeps and inviting sleeps? Truth isn’t worth missing so much. Truth doesn’t lie
beyond. Laugh happy, cry to the fullest, sleep profoundly. Life comes along. So does wisdom. So does truth. Btw, who cares even if it doesn’t anyway!

P.S. Dont search for ‘sensitivity’ in the title or anywhere in here. 😛

Revolution 2020 in mind!

This is not a book a review. Not quite that kinda person who’d sit back and judge. But yeah, some things come innate. Like annoying symbolisms and intentional pricks. Symbolism is one thing that hugely did wonders to my life. The book is just another instance. I’m not gonna brief the story and spoil the fun. Its worth a read. (A second read takes a bit more of me!)

Is it so difficult to change something? So painstaking to fight back? Does it always feel like the whole world is on a mission against you? I guess it does. Or even worse. And the worst is yet to come! People are stupid. They say to fight back. Stop to turn and look at the beast’s eyes. As if your stare can freak out the thing that’s chasing you down. Trust me nothing works. None of them. Not running away from the crisis is not an option. Running away is not an option either. Does that mean you have no choice to make?

Exactly my point! You dont have a choice to make. You dont get to decide whether to run or to stay. Any effort of thought renders delayed solutions and worsened situations. And that’s where most of us screw up. Brilliantly! Trust your instincts and nothing else. Nobody is as right and as wise as you are! For nobody else actually is so keen in solving your curry in the ass problem!

Fighting back against all odds isn’t bad. Not wrong. Its just a bit tough. But worth the difficulty. Or is it? Coz if you lose, you are stuck with the beast again. And worst yet, if you win, you dont even have a beast to fight back in life? So what say? Is there actually a choice to make? 😛

The Jan 1st post!

Jan 1st post. Posted on Jan 2nd. Does this say anything about me? Well, it does. And I’d rather choose to keep it to myself. I had this wonderful resolutions of one post a day for the new year. I even had awesome strategies to boost myself and squeeze some precious words of wisdom from myself. Simple yet strategic. I’d choose an event of the day and write about it everyday. Life being so eventful for me (got the sarcasm??), I’d never run out of topics too. Ironically though, a very eventful day finally leaves you with little or no time to relax. Let alone, lie down on ya bed and search for the most apt words to beautify your post. It just gets as messy and as eventful as the day itself. And that leaves with you such awkward moments of titling posts like these!

But its fine. I’d find some means of getting past that obvious irony! Eventful days are what I love in the end. Yesterday was one heck of it. The new year was indeed awesome. From most trivial to the grand astounding things I’d have ever wanted to do! All in a day! That truly is one heck of a feeling! Of all things, the one thing I dont want to miss sharing is the inexplicable feel if breaking the awesome rules pushed down your throat! Got to sit by the door for an hour long train journey and that was “awesome”! To get thru the feel of jumping down to the inviting river, to fight back the slamming door, and finally, to avoid the pestering stares from the unavoidable crowd!! That was one thing I’d have essayed about yesterday. But today, that’s outdated na? And its not like I didnt write anything at all. 🙂

Waiting for tomorrow. For something to push me into writing. Resolutions are kept. Promises are given. Atleast this year! 😛

The quit

“Okay. I quit. I’m done. Cant take this anymore.” If you ask me, its the same dialogue that all wimpy pigheaded dumbasses say at the instant of a crisis. The moment you sense risk. The moment you think you dont have that extra one bit of what it takes to get past that moment. The moment you think its time to quit.

Not talking generally or particularly about quitters. Just casually about those egoistic (wimpy) bastards (or bitches). Those losers who are afraid to lose. Too egoistic to make a second attempt. Too stubborn to change the wrong ways. Too stupid to identify themselves going wrong. Just too much of a crap.

Ah! Seriously? Where was I? What was I to relate? Did I mean to say I’m one of those pathetic quitters? May be I meant to say I’m even worse. For I believe, a resume button will always appear each time I quit. Loser!

Pizza phobia to mania!

Heard of such a thing? Pizza phobia? Well it does exist okay. Among socially conscious whiny wimps like me. The phobia involves fear of tearing apart the cheese with your teeth. Embarrassment, rather than fear. Fear of using cutlery due to lack of knowledge in table manners and art of eating. Fear of going thru the ‘all greek’ menu and finally make a sensible order for food! (the time isn’t far when the type of crust and size of the pan misled me.) Crust and size are never related to food for people of this kind. You cant blame the thoughts! And finally the fear of addiction. What if I actually liked it and want more and grow into an addiction? That’s the most genuine fear, atleast till the point you start buying your bread or find a boy friend with Sodexo food coupons!

Getting past all these fears listed, and the many more unlisted fears, is one heck of a task. You pray to the cheese to be intact. You beg the onion not to pop out of your mouth. You coax the crust to be just big enough for your mouth, so that you wont have to let others see the inside of your throat, pushing down the pizza. And most of all, you pray to the pan to stay warm and keep the pizza still tasty, coping with your slow motioned eating! When everything falls in place, when all your pleas and prayers are heard, finally, you’ll know it’s worth it. Truly worth the price. The majestic worth of royal food!

Here starts the truly ‘drive you nuts’ part. The mania! You brush pizza,(pee and poop knowingly avoided) you drink pizza, you think pizza, you write pizza, you talk pizza, you pizza pizza! Not enough pizza to eat! You wonder when’s the next pizza! Its just not enough!

Honestly, I love my transition. From phobia to mania. I never agree it was phobia though. Lol. But yeah, I confess it was. And now, the mania phase is awesome. It was just taking a break I suppose. Had a challenge or a bet or whatever you call it, with a friend, that I’ll no longer eat pizza until I start saving my bread. The rationale behind the bet was that the person asked me where all these pizza went into! Lol. That’s actually a genuine question. But one should be considerate enough to not ask questions, whose answers are buried under the earth, and never dug out! Shouldn’t they be? Lol. Anyway, coming back to the bet. I broke it. Had to. Unavoidable situation! As unavoidable as getting an offer to eat as much as you can! Lol.

Stepped into Pizza Hut, Gold Souk. The guy asks, “Hello ma’m! Would you like to *some voice missing*? “. I ask, “Pardon?”. He again, “Good evening! Ma’m, would you like to *some faint voice*?”. Me, “Eh?”. The guy, “Kazhikkanano vanne?”. Me to myself, “Shit! Evanum arinjo aa betine patti!”.

Appendix : The list of fears is never ending. Fear number next : Inaudible dumbhead all knowing pizza hut guys. (Or may be just the lack of a pair of hearing aids!). Back to the phobia! Lol.

The inside story

Was down with a fever and cough for a week. And that was such a wonderful timing that I missed five of my internal exams. Frankly, I was glad I’ve more time to study. But yeah, nothing of that sort happened and I screwed them up as usual. No big deal. The retests were postponed and dragged, long enough that I was itched to face them and get over them. But then, it’s the teachers’ mercy playing. And that’s such a rare commodity! Well, whatever. Glad that I’m finally done with it today. Almost. Yeah. Just almost. One more to go.

Well. This aint about my retests or academic crap. I was actually talking about the inside story. The plot and the dialogues inside a staff room. That was funny. Rather surprising. Teachers are
unpredictable beings outside the classroom, or more precisely, inside the staffroom. They talk. Gossip. Prick. Laugh. Confess. Seek help. Seeking help is the most common actually. 🙂

Okay. Everybody does that. So can teachers. They are also common people like you and I. But that’s not the point at all. They do all the very common things in a peculiar way. ‘Appo eli kadichittalle elippani pakarunnathathu??’ I laughed at that question. Laughed really hard. Not thinking about the scientific aspect of it. But seeing my ‘Digital System Design’ teacher stare so stupid and blank, I just couldn’t stop! (The subject name says how bright she should be!) And adding to my surprise, all the teachers in the staffroom fell silent as I broke into laughter. They looked at eachother and I could sense me screwing up. But to my shock, they started laughing with me. They find me mocking at a teacher so hilarious! Seriously! Lol. And another teacher. She says how she’d scare them, coming back as ghost if they dont get her a wreath of rose if she dies of elippani!

I loved the irony. The teacher next to me was shit scared and tensed. I was rotflmao (in my mind) when I learnt the reason for her worry. She was worried of screwing up coz the Inspector from the university had caught her using mobile phone during class hours! I still cant stop laughing. Rotfl.

The never ending complaints about how under paid they are. How the evaluation camp exhausts them. What are the procedures for applying for a Phd. When on earth will they finally get a change in
designation!

It was fun. And revealing. (cant be relieving when the teacher stares at your answer sheet!) What they actually thought about students is what actually we think about ourselves. That was mews to me! I’d love to write more of retests! If only they wouldn’t postpone it. 🙂

The life of a problem

How long can a problem live? Rather, what’s the average life span of the thing that squeezes your brain and crushes your peace of mind and normal course of life? Somebody told me that answer is different for both the genders. For a man, a problem lives till he finds a solution or something close to a solution. But for women, problems are just a night long. After one good sleep, it seems that a woman forgets the previous day’s problems and worries. She’d have had her new set of problems and concerns for the next morning. Just another set of short living woes!

But my thoughts dont seem to concur with it. May be coz my womanhood felt insulted. Or may be just coz I kinda know better! A problem lives in your puny little head until you are done with it. Being done with doesn’t necessarily mean finding a solution to it. It just means being done. Getting over it. Push yourself hard. Till you reach your threshold. Of letting go. Getting over. Freeing yourself, just to fall into newer pathos. Finding closure in your problems. That’s how it works. Focussing onto the issue at hand, encompassing life around it. Some find closure that way. For some others, its slightly different. They leave one issue half way and go in search of another. Dont ask why. Its just their way of finding closure with themselves! 🙂

Problems dont live as long as it lives for you, as for me, as for someone else. Different problems. Different scopes. Different thresholds. But one thing is same. They all take you off your course and rupture your brain. As you, as me, as someone else.

Change!

Change is inevitable. Everything around us change. Everything around me change. Change proclaims the future. Change shows us the way. We do different things everyday. We get up, pee, poop, eat, travel, work, walk, sleep, and many other things which we might not want to say out in public. Like fucking your wife if you are a married guy or jacking off if you aint. Sorry, didnt mention about girls. Like getting fucked or masturbating [the good word]. Hmm, so you people might be thinking this post is about sex, since I am very keen into the taboo words. Lol. It aint.

I started talking about change. Even the title says change with a bold exclamation mark. !. We are all afraid of change. When we changed from Typewriters to Computers, we feared change. Change terrifies us. Now they say Einstein was a dumbo. All what we studied, E=MC^2. All has changed [Though not officially, but still to say]. Everything is constantly going through changes, as if, everything exists in a reality of its own. Reality is tough. What we want is only reality. Though we claim otherwise. What we want is rationality. Though we claim otherwise. But then you may ask. How many of us go for a realistic movie? I dont. I want my action hero to fight a hundred all by himself. I want my porn star to fuck a woman for an hour. I want unrealistic things in a movie. Hoping that I’ll have a surrealism turned realism in my life. And it aint a shit rational. But I am. Rational enough to understand movies’ rationalism lies only in feeding the producer’s kids. See, we are opposing change. Drastic and sarcastic change. Things ought to be more transparent. More legible. More put to face. But its difficult. We hint. We suggest. And we do all the shit talk. You see Mr. Perera…. Cut the crap. What the heck am I talking here? Yeah, forgot. Change. So, since we are very much into opposing change, what we must be doing is simple. Change the change. Is it very simple? Nay. It aint. Because then thats a change too. We have changed from shit to crap. We are dumbasses who dont know a thing.

Wisdom is something that pops up in some wise one’s head. And we obey. Without questions. We dont have the right to question. Just obey. Plain obligation to walk the way shown to us. I have shown many such ways to many such people. And now I know. I understand. How much difficult it is. To walk through someone else’s way. To strode on someone else’s path. To wear someone else’s shoe/ chappal/methiyadi. Lol. That’s where the change should begin. Break the chains. Move out of obligations. Coz there’s no such thing as ‘obliged to change’. Change the change and trash the wisdom. Coz once you change, everything around you also change. What sounds wise before the change might sound as crap. And your life is not to be somebody’s shit hole. So call it now. Time of change.

Change is inevitable. I am changing. From being the wise kid with the pot of wisdom on my head. Constantly. Please wait till I have changed enough to suit you. Lol.

The pursuit of happiness

Nay. Not a review of the movie. Partially coz I’m not good at judging things. But mostly coz I haven’t seen that movie yet! Now is that bad? Well, never mind.

Not bad that I haven’t seen the movie. But kinda bad I’m not here with a movie review. That’s what I should be better doing. Book reviews, objective writing, versatile poems, short stories, novelas. That’s where my pen (or the stylus or the finger) should be gliding over. Gently moving through the language, its marvels, and charm. But look at me! Lol. What am I doing here? Scribbling incomprehensible never ending boring essays. Exactly. The kinda essays you’d miserably want to skip in those old history texts. Well, doesn’t that kinda mean I should end this with a period? Lol. Not actually. You have a choice here. You can choose to read. Or choose otherwise. Nobody is stuffing it into your brains so that you pass a dreadful board exam! Its as simple as that. This my pursuit of happiness. So I write. No matter what the world says about how ruthlessly am I raping the beauty and lucidity of the language.

Label me Ms. Complicated. Talk behind my back. Mock at me. Does that even matter? I’ll keep writing. More complex. More subtle. More crap. Does that matter either? Lol.

The ‘without’ journey

Journeys. Train journeys. They have been a part of my life.  Traversing lands, of my dreams, of my desire, of my passion.  Shuttling between universes! When in one, the other seems so dreamlike and unrealistic! Well, that sounds like something from the past. Something that I wrote in the past. But how does it matter! The past continues. So do the verses from the past. They echo till eternity. For journeys are eternal.  Immortal. Real. The most realistic, or rather the only realistic experiences of my life are always related to a journey. May be that’s a slight exaggeration from my part. But then, that precisely says my yearning for journeys,  sans exaggeration. Its such a pleasure to travel. Immense and profound. Today was one such day. A day of journey. Smooth and soothing.  Even an untimely alarm is forgiven. The journey was definitely worth it. Less crowded, rather empty compartment. Extravaganza of stretching the limbs. Window seat. Wind caressing my hair. (thanks to mom, for tying up my hair :D) Slow hum of the engine, with occasional startling whistles. Early rising sun. Sweat beads on my forehead. And finally, the dreaded crossing and waiting for signal. One thing I’d love to keep away from is the Ladies’ only travel. The gossips and never ending woes about husbands and in-laws, and all other thinkable and unthinkable versions of every single thing out there! The ladies’ talk was so annoying that I wished if I could hang on to the lingering sleep. But then, had it not been for them, I wouldn’t have written this at all. With all the annoyances and silly talks, they represented a clan, a class apart for a person like me. Their thoughts, their worries, their concerns, their worlds. It seemed so ideally perfect. So straight. So clean. I don’t wish if I were one of them. May be, even without my knowledge, I am already one among them.

The ‘vanity’ bag clad women joined me mid way. They kept getting off and on the train. Different faces. But same ‘vanity’ bags.  Nobody stayed for the whole of the journey. I am glad I traversed the entire path. Without struggle. Just an unsettling ease of having it crossed. Being done with the journey, I am worried about the next.  The journey was short and smooth. I went through it, pleasantly. Will the next be as smooth as this? Will I have to go through the shame and pain of getting down midway? Will I be able to pay for the whole distance? Or should I be traveling ‘without’ ticket? I am worried. Confused.