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Category: Life traces

Changing images..

“Alone in the crowd”. What does it mean to you? A clichéd sentence? That it sure is. It is a very basic emotionally crappy but mercilessly over used statement. But when at times it really grows beyond the hollowness of the words, the whole weight of the world settles down on your self. No sound would come out. No signs of life would be seen. All in life, you’d wonder why isn’t even death giving you company. It’s as though, everyone and everything is afraid of you. Running away from me, I am not sure if they are safe or get hit in their running spree.

In my initial days of ‘socialising’, (ie getting introduced to orkut and chat), the images with tags amused me. As a matter of fact, I still am  a fan of images with words on them. I was so greatly addicted that I used to switch my display pic every now and then. Back then, I had this image that said, “My presence intimidates you, doesn’t it?”. It was not suggestive of anyone. It rather included everyone then. My world then, comprised of my random group of friends who had ‘immense’ respect and fear towards me, a obsequious sister, a protective brother and parents who’d rather stay aloof from my things. None of them seemed like they shivered in my presence, but evidently, it wasnt difficult for me to make it happen either. However, I never chose to intimidate anyone.

Images changed. Things changed too. Then came the gtalk image collections. The ‘autumn leaf’ and the ‘pen in hand’ were my favourites. Albeit, I switched to the freshness of the ‘green leaf’ or the playfulness of the ‘monkey face’. The ‘red rose’ tempted and lingered. I never budged though! 😛 Out of nowhere, ‘my’ snaps proved the best to me! Made a resolution to myself that all my photo statements would be trademarked, all copyrights to me. All because, ‘somebody’ commented I am good with photography, that my hand aint shaking holding the camera!! Anybody remembers?

Ever since then, it has always been my clicks that spoke. The ‘shadow’ era was then. Nothing but the shadows of everything! I didnt miss a single shadow. The flowing hair can be shot in the shadow, without the flowing tears. The proud stride can be seen, without the frail smiles. A silhouette leaves a lot to the viewer to imagine! That was my lesson number one for myself with photography! But the underlying principal, the zeroth lesson, was given to me by my bro. He never managed a click as good as mine(no offense, lol), but still gave me the best lesson in photography. I should have known it for myself, but he had to tell me the focus of the image is the corners and never the centre!

I took photos. From the 2MP phone camera, I moved on to the 5MP digital camera. Then further, got pushed down to a 3.2MP phone cam since that came in more handy. The railway tracks, the hairpin bents, the endless road, the splashing water.. everything was clicked. Somewhere in between, I lost track of my snap and display pic sync. I moved back to my ‘image with words’ style. On with, “Walking away from everything…”, “Do not dare touch my phone.”, “I have my own rules..”. All those were my phone wall papers, at various points of time. Even now, I’m stuck with something that displays a false message that the phone is locked! I miss those awesome snaps of mine! I need a camera. An awesome one! And I have to win a photography competition! Lol. Never in life have I had such a clear goal. 🙂

All these ramblings are here now coz I went through every single snap of mine from the past today. Was searching for an image to set up as Google+ image.  And what did I get!! LOL. I am badly in need of an awesome collection of pics! Life can be awesome or gruesome. It never bothers enough. For all that it is, life is still picturesque! A photograph yet to be perfected. Waiting for a bold camera. My snap is not done yet.

The final lap

Nobody ever makes it to the final lap. Knowing it all, I still run. Ran into an old friend today. Doing her bachelor’s degree in Visual Communication, she had her course of living. Facebook naturally lets you take a look. And what I saw leaves me awestruck! Instantly, I grew jealous of her. All those things, that she now does, were my passion once. Or may be, they still are. And I had no clue what would actually take me to my destiny, which truly would be mine, and make me happy at the same time. And now when I look at it through these camera lenses, I assume strange dimensions and weird hues to my imaginations.

Its too late for the right move. To the right thing. To the right position. To the right decision. To the person. I dont decide anymore. My decisions have started failing me. Leaving things to their course of happenings. Uneasiness is settling around everywhere. Fear gripping me tighter.

She does This!

Blunders – an infinite loop!

In less than a week, this is my second blog. Something is wrong somewhere. Exactly my thought too! But to my relief, I’ve explanations. Atleast to myself. The abrupt change is for my stupidity’s sake. Got a blog title in Tamil. Thought wonderful about it. And today, I get to know it was all a blunder. The meaning of the word was not what I assumed it to be! Well for my case, this is not the first time. My blogging history starts with a similar story. I’m used to this. Lol. And the blunder doesn’t just end there. With the present title, I still assumed something and something totally different turns out to be the actual implication!

But now, there’s no turning back again. Not gonna search for another title. Partially coz I’m embarrassed. But mostly coz the newer meaning of the title gives me a newer sense of existence. One that I’d have never guessed! The last straw actually does mean so? Lol.

A friend

I dont know to define one. Have many of them though. But now, I wonder how many of them were treated right? Was I good to them? Did I meet their expectations? I know the obvious answers. Friendship is not about treating good or meeting expectations. Blah Blah! I’ve heard them all. But that’s not the point. There’s commitment to people. An unwritten one. And that’s what I’m unsure of. I’m worried if I’m failing that responsibility. That’s the last thing in my mind. I dont want to fail them. Not a single one of them. For they have been so important to me, not even knowing the impact themselves.

I’m not talking about a particular he or she. But if he or she reads this, know this is about you. I’ve been the wise kid. All my life. Always taking the right decision, judging and evaluating, advising and consoling. Have never wanted anybody else to do all those with me. But then. Once in a while. A call. A text. You people dont realise the worth I assume to them. All I have to say is, what you have been to me, nobody else will be. But as life has it, I’ll be there too. I’m learning. To stick to my commitments and responsibilities. I’ve a lot of them. Dont I? 🙂

Just another day!

Just another day. Just another morning. Just another night. Just another feeling. Just another joy. Just another tear. Just another laugh. Just another pass. Just another being. Just another day that I survived. I survived. Just another life. Just another for another?

A morning with you!

So what do you get of the title? That I had a wonderful awesome date with some ‘you’? Or just a pleasant calm day with somebody special? Lol. Its none. Its just a morning with ‘u’. Or simply, mourning! What am I mourning though? I dont know. Do you actually need a reason? Well, I do. I should have reasons. For anything and everything. Coz I’m rational beyond any rationale! Irrational rationalist! Sounds cool? Or weird? Or disgusting? I dont know. But I know how it feels. Just slightly better than crap and that’s it.

Why the heck am I still holding on to something that makes me feel like crap? Coz somebody occasionally compliments me. About how bold I am to have the guts to face things as they are? How reasons and parameters dont frighten me? No way! The compliment doesn’t complement the shit feel. Despite them, my reasons and rational thoughts, by themselves be the reason for my existence. At a moment like this, feeling like the entire world is closing upon me, if I can still write, I owe something to my rational brain.

Nonchalance. No way near solace. But yet, it gives me a feel of triumph. Victory over myself. The feel of having the reins back again in your hands. I’m beginning to savour this moment. Of nonchalance. Of peace. Of solitude.

Got a set of three books last month. Voraciously read and finished the last book today. Its strange. Just so strange that I’m like this. Finding meaning to everything and symbolising everything to something. But trust me this was different. I wasn’t merely symbolising with the book. I could relate. Perfectly. To every single line of it. I thought I’d write a biography before I die. Atleast a personal diary which will be let public after my death. But not anymore. After this book, I just dont have anything more to write. Its all said. Straight and precise.

If there’s one thing you’d like to do for me, please dont read the book. (if at all if you get to know the book title by ANY chance.) Dont ever. But I really want someone to read the author’s note. Or do I? May be not. 🙂

Revolution 2020 in mind!

This is not a book a review. Not quite that kinda person who’d sit back and judge. But yeah, some things come innate. Like annoying symbolisms and intentional pricks. Symbolism is one thing that hugely did wonders to my life. The book is just another instance. I’m not gonna brief the story and spoil the fun. Its worth a read. (A second read takes a bit more of me!)

Is it so difficult to change something? So painstaking to fight back? Does it always feel like the whole world is on a mission against you? I guess it does. Or even worse. And the worst is yet to come! People are stupid. They say to fight back. Stop to turn and look at the beast’s eyes. As if your stare can freak out the thing that’s chasing you down. Trust me nothing works. None of them. Not running away from the crisis is not an option. Running away is not an option either. Does that mean you have no choice to make?

Exactly my point! You dont have a choice to make. You dont get to decide whether to run or to stay. Any effort of thought renders delayed solutions and worsened situations. And that’s where most of us screw up. Brilliantly! Trust your instincts and nothing else. Nobody is as right and as wise as you are! For nobody else actually is so keen in solving your curry in the ass problem!

Fighting back against all odds isn’t bad. Not wrong. Its just a bit tough. But worth the difficulty. Or is it? Coz if you lose, you are stuck with the beast again. And worst yet, if you win, you dont even have a beast to fight back in life? So what say? Is there actually a choice to make? 😛