Category: People

Shrinking mind!

~ Soumya ~ 2 Comments

Do I look like a ‘shrink’ from any angle? Do I actually look like some human god who can curb away all your sorrow? I find it ridiculous people confide in me. Not irritated. Just amused at the very idea. When I say people, the list is sufficiently wide and endless. I dont know if that’s even the reason why I smile so less to people and frown all the time.

She’s on her way back from Bangalore. Its extreme cold there and she was shivering and had to see a doc there. One cant get out of home till ten in the morning coz its snowing all the time. Its her sister staying there. Her sister is working and hence busy. So she goes around to meet up once in a while. Her husband is also busy. So she goes around all by herself. She was too afraid to travel alone. But once everybody started teasing her, she pushed away the fear and began to travel alone. She lost her kid. Life is more or less empty now. Vidya is her name. Except for the last sentence, all the previous ones were her answers to the questions she might have wished me to ask. The five hour train journey was intermittently and effortlessly made engaging. I should have known better to maintain my indifference and never take away the headset from my ears.

I’m not callous. I’m not insensitive to others’ grievances or pain and agony. But being pricked doesn’t feel good. Everytime someone talks to me, I am itched to talk to someone too. Someone atleast! Thinking of the fact it is, I lack an ear. That’s too valid a prick as well!

First time, I’m regretting something that I wrote. I shouldn’t have written this. I really shouldn’t. Most of you who read this, have talked to me and I perhaps helped you vent. I’m not counting back and seeking redressal. All that I meant was, I need someone to talk to. The way I stood for you is not a comparison. Its just a prayer!

The lucky charm!

~ Soumya ~ Leave a comment

She aint my lucky charm nor am I hers. But luck is that single word I’d relate to her, over and over. It was long back. Long long back, when we were too small kids to even know the implications of being lucky. She called me lucky once. And hence started our distance. For a long time, I thought she took me for what I’m. Just the way I’m. But then, I didnt appear so transparent to her. Well, not her fault that I blackened myself. 🙂

A childhood friend, who grew more than to be a cousin. But then, we could have gotten better. Thinking of those tiny nasty things that we did…Lol. Wish I could make them public! She was always the good girl. Soft spoken, gentle, beautiful and loving. The perfect ritualistic orthodox innocent Brahmin girl anybody would love to call theirs. I wasn’t jealous that she’s all that. But it really got on my nerves when people compared me with her. How she helped her mom in the kitchen. How she respected her dad. How she took care of her flowing hair. How she obeyed elders. How she never spoke back. How she ‘that’. How she ‘this’. Ah! It was exhausting. And what does she say about it! “Soumya, eppadi di mudiyarathu unnala!”. Lol. She thinks high about me. She would have loved to rebel the way I do. Talk back the way I talk. Not obey, for once. Not seek advice, making a decision. She still likes me the way I am and the entire world is pushing me to be her.

I can foresee that. How my life is yet to be pushed to be a facsimile of hers. But it doesn’t matter. For I know what she is. What she wants. For the pious, loving, caring, obedient daughter she is, she’d also want to pull a prank on her dad. Fight with her mom for days. Sneak into her brother’s phone. Yay! It aint just me.

The two decades of
our lives, changes have swept all over us. So much in her. So much more in me. Beyond those infinite distances that has grown between us, I still owe her a rightful place in my life. When my dad scolds me for grabbing the glass from her and sipping it with my lips before I return, I should always be able to say, “Lakshmi thaane appa!”. My lucky lechu!

The ringing sorrow!

~ Soumya ~ Leave a comment

Sorrow rings, doesn’t it? Inside your soul, inside your brain, inside your very self. It rings in monotonous yelps. In everybody around me. In everything around me.

Everything needs a reason. So is my theory. The above paragraph is the reason. (It is my yesternight’s craziest ever random rambling. Lol.) And the cause is my new action plan. That is something like, one day a post, about a family member. I can be quite confident about writing that coz hardly one or two of my family reads my blog. The reason, elaborated, is that I mumble inaudible cries and pathos and call it ‘my blog’, whereas I actually want to write proper sensible stuff and feel satisfied. The first paragraph was an aftermath of one such attempt. So were my many previous posts. So finally, I need to anchor my ship somewhere and relax before setting of for this long exhausting voyage. And my family that is.

My dad was born into a family of eight kids, which makes it four brothers and three sisters to him. And leaves me with so many uncles and so many aunts and their families, completing my ‘big’ family with so much to talk about. My mom is sibling-rich too. Two sisters and one little brother. Stay along. And read about my whole family before you wonder where I got my crazy streak from!

The final lap

~ Soumya ~ 2 Comments

Nobody ever makes it to the final lap. Knowing it all, I still run. Ran into an old friend today. Doing her bachelor’s degree in Visual Communication, she had her course of living. Facebook naturally lets you take a look. And what I saw leaves me awestruck! Instantly, I grew jealous of her. All those things, that she now does, were my passion once. Or may be, they still are. And I had no clue what would actually take me to my destiny, which truly would be mine, and make me happy at the same time. And now when I look at it through these camera lenses, I assume strange dimensions and weird hues to my imaginations.

Its too late for the right move. To the right thing. To the right position. To the right decision. To the person. I dont decide anymore. My decisions have started failing me. Leaving things to their course of happenings. Uneasiness is settling around everywhere. Fear gripping me tighter.

She does This!

The Economy class!

~ Soumya ~ Leave a comment

Makes you think of the flight class? Well, its not. The single time travel in an aeroplane leaves me with less or no voice to write about ‘Economy class’ travel! I was kid stupefied by the luxury of the inside of a flight. It gave me no room to think of different ‘classes’ of luxury, back then. May be someday, I might actually write on it though! 😛

For now, its about my “economics” lectures at college. More about the lecturer than the lecture itself! One word. Awesome! That’s what she is. But if you ask the college, no one would agree to me. Or may be some crazy streaks like me would agree! She’s not an excellent teacher. She doesn’t teach you a thing, to be frank. She comes. She talks. Rather advises. And somewhere between all the ramblings, there’d be something you’d like to note down as lecture note to push some actual ‘economics’ into your head! Trust me its damn difficult to distinguish them from her ramblings! Her biggest theory, (actually suggested by some Economist I didnt bother to take notice), is something like this. “If one is better, the other is worse.” The theory as such sounds economically normal, doesn’t it? The abnormality strikes when you listen to her switch topics, like you switch browser tabs. No conversation or lecture is ever completed. She talks about the indiscipline in class. And then she says, how one is worse when the other is better! Still confused as in about what’s actually worse!

The other day, a guy walked in by the end of the hour, planning to attend the next hour. And oh my god! This lady invites him and advises him how important attendance is. Eventually, the guy got attendance for that hour and all the previous absences coz of his ‘illness’! (With other teachers, ten min delay => no attendance until you lick her foot! :P)

She knows a lot of things. About Economics, Accountancy, current affairs, University procedures and a lot more. But she still doesn’t know enough! Who would be surprised in a college that teacher is addressed by name? Lol. She will be. Annoyingly surprised and terribly shocked!

With her mannerisms and looks that resemble my much cherished aunt, she makes me glued to her every word and movement. With awe! Her miserable ‘playboy’ mishap, mutually opposing view points, her eccentric poetic recitals, and the brimming genuinness! I’d call her awesome. Miserably awesome! More as a person, than as a teacher.

The Big Bang!

~ Soumya ~ Leave a comment

I thought it was a bomb blast. Even hallucinated limbs flying and blood splashing all over. Thought all my life’s pain and joy ends there. But it wasn’t. Nothing happened. It was just a crackers show for a marriage reception. Crackers? Marriage? Seriously! Well, it should be normal. Except for the extravaganza, what’s wrong in it? The guests were impressed! Oh my fucking god! You call that a marriage reception buffet? It was like you stepped into some food festival! From North to South of India. From panipuri to kappayum ulli chathachathum! People were gobbling up. Disgustingly. So did I. Ate in silence. Self humiliated by the crowd’s gluttony and the splendour of money in every object around me.

The hatred wasn’t instant. It brewed in me, ever since I started looking around and observing these marriage dramas around me. In the first place, I wouldn’t have gone at all except for the pressure from my caretakers now. With my parents, I know what would have I done. A stern ‘no’ and I’m not going for any drama. But today, I had no choice. Posing for a group photo with people you meet for the first time in my life? NO WAY! But what did I do? I went along. Not like me. Never like me. But luckily, the camera didn’t care enough to click! Had I opposed, would it have been bossing them? Or just genuinely my right to voice my choice? I was worried. So I acted as instructed. As expected. The ideal me.

Its ridiculous. I didn’t do it with total unwillingness. Some part of me said its okay to attempt the change. I attempted. That’s it. No more of it. Done with changes. Life is perfect for me the way it is.

Pongalo pongal!

~ Soumya ~ Leave a comment

The tamil new year. Pongal was today. Guess new years have a problem with me this year! Lol. Didn’t get a single message or wish from anybody. Why does that feel bad now? I was never that kinda person. In the end, may be I was. Having them always, I could notice their worth only when absent. 🙂

Gifts did find their way to me though, if not wishes. Surprising unexpected gifts. I’m glad. One such gift was an awesome thought that struck me today. A wonderful idea that I thought over for hour and hours today. But to hell with the new year unluck charm on me! I totally have no memory of the thought expect for how awesome it was and how I was craving to put it down here in my blog. Bad bad bad memory!

So where was I? Yeah, the Tamil New Year. Hope it has something good in store for everyone. Should be writing more about Tamil, if not IN Tamil. Its sweet, elegant and majestic. Tamizh vaazhka!

A friend

~ Soumya ~ Leave a comment

I dont know to define one. Have many of them though. But now, I wonder how many of them were treated right? Was I good to them? Did I meet their expectations? I know the obvious answers. Friendship is not about treating good or meeting expectations. Blah Blah! I’ve heard them all. But that’s not the point. There’s commitment to people. An unwritten one. And that’s what I’m unsure of. I’m worried if I’m failing that responsibility. That’s the last thing in my mind. I dont want to fail them. Not a single one of them. For they have been so important to me, not even knowing the impact themselves.

I’m not talking about a particular he or she. But if he or she reads this, know this is about you. I’ve been the wise kid. All my life. Always taking the right decision, judging and evaluating, advising and consoling. Have never wanted anybody else to do all those with me. But then. Once in a while. A call. A text. You people dont realise the worth I assume to them. All I have to say is, what you have been to me, nobody else will be. But as life has it, I’ll be there too. I’m learning. To stick to my commitments and responsibilities. I’ve a lot of them. Dont I? 🙂

Foodominance!

~ Soumya ~ Leave a comment

There’s this mama and mami near my home. An old couple staying alone. Not coz they are childless. Their son married a woman of another caste. So did their daughter. The old man is ailing and the wife is not able to take care of him all by herself. But yet, the couple wouldn’t give up to the children. They are wounded and wouldn’t yield to any cajoling.

The other day, mami had come to our home. She was talking to my parents about how their kids have brought them shame and agony. She was saying, “Money or caste never matters. We have enough wealth. We’d have accepted the marriage. Except for how they wouldn’t give up non-veg food.” I couldn’t stop laughing at her statement and the emotion that she gave out through it. Should have appeared rude. But yet…food habits? Seriously? That ruins a family? Rotflmao.

I laughed and laughed. People say they eat to live. And I say we live to eat. Despite that, this level of dominance that food habits have on our society seems ridiculous to me. Personal likes and dislikes do exist; on food habits, as in any other segment of life. But then, I dont get that. Is the type of food more important than your own kids? From the other point, wouldn’t you stick to pure vegetarian food if that means you can be with your old parents? I really dont get that.

May be she lied. May be there’s the usual story of adamance and ego in not accepting the marriages. But may be, there’s some truth in what she said. Foodominance indeed!

The inside story

~ Soumya ~ 2 Comments

Was down with a fever and cough for a week. And that was such a wonderful timing that I missed five of my internal exams. Frankly, I was glad I’ve more time to study. But yeah, nothing of that sort happened and I screwed them up as usual. No big deal. The retests were postponed and dragged, long enough that I was itched to face them and get over them. But then, it’s the teachers’ mercy playing. And that’s such a rare commodity! Well, whatever. Glad that I’m finally done with it today. Almost. Yeah. Just almost. One more to go.

Well. This aint about my retests or academic crap. I was actually talking about the inside story. The plot and the dialogues inside a staff room. That was funny. Rather surprising. Teachers are
unpredictable beings outside the classroom, or more precisely, inside the staffroom. They talk. Gossip. Prick. Laugh. Confess. Seek help. Seeking help is the most common actually. 🙂

Okay. Everybody does that. So can teachers. They are also common people like you and I. But that’s not the point at all. They do all the very common things in a peculiar way. ‘Appo eli kadichittalle elippani pakarunnathathu??’ I laughed at that question. Laughed really hard. Not thinking about the scientific aspect of it. But seeing my ‘Digital System Design’ teacher stare so stupid and blank, I just couldn’t stop! (The subject name says how bright she should be!) And adding to my surprise, all the teachers in the staffroom fell silent as I broke into laughter. They looked at eachother and I could sense me screwing up. But to my shock, they started laughing with me. They find me mocking at a teacher so hilarious! Seriously! Lol. And another teacher. She says how she’d scare them, coming back as ghost if they dont get her a wreath of rose if she dies of elippani!

I loved the irony. The teacher next to me was shit scared and tensed. I was rotflmao (in my mind) when I learnt the reason for her worry. She was worried of screwing up coz the Inspector from the university had caught her using mobile phone during class hours! I still cant stop laughing. Rotfl.

The never ending complaints about how under paid they are. How the evaluation camp exhausts them. What are the procedures for applying for a Phd. When on earth will they finally get a change in
designation!

It was fun. And revealing. (cant be relieving when the teacher stares at your answer sheet!) What they actually thought about students is what actually we think about ourselves. That was mews to me! I’d love to write more of retests! If only they wouldn’t postpone it. 🙂