Preface : https://soumyavg.wordpress.com/2012/01/31/disclaimer/
Me and baby? What relativity eh? Seriously, I’m wondering too. Eventually, it seems like there’s a lot of relativity though. Not that I’ve, out of nowhere, started loving all those ‘cute’ baby photos or all those pink ‘n blue things of life. But things have definitely changed between me and the babies.
My bro always pulls my legs on how I used to check if the diaper is on before getting anywhere near my cousin’s child. I dont think anybody believes him on that now. It seems a near impossibility now coz I’ve gotten that intimate with the kid. Back then, I had told only him about how I used to do that. Nobody else holds a reason to believe it now. I dont even realise how much has change swept over me.
Its a wonderful kid. I cant say the ‘best’ coz I dont know many kids to make a comparison. She’s the only one I’ve ever known. Known the best! Tending to her, reaching out to hold her hand, coaxing her, yelling at her. I’m loving it all. Love the way she calls me ‘athey’. Amazingly, I kinda even miss her when she’s away at her grandma’s. For people who have known the callous me, aren’t these ‘interesting and new’ developments? Lol. Hell they are! And I cant even bring myself upto believing it.
With all the preconceptions of people around me, I’m very much disturbed by their assumptions and notions. Its so much a relief to see her and believe atleast she knows me only the way I’m to her; nice but easily angered. I wish if things could remain that way with her forever. With someone atleast, let me sneak out of all the prejudices. She’s growing, soon losing her innocence. Life and its prejudices aren’t far from her. And I’m worried. Ironically, I crave to see her grow up into a pretty girl, yet staying the apple of everybody’s eyes. She’s one such whom I’ve loved so much that it causes envy. It might even asphyxiate her. Worry gets recursive! (Read the previous post to make some sense of the last sentences)
She’s growing. Already at the computer! Lol.
A very very delayed reviewing of the movie Traffic. My inability to stay updated with every other movie playing in the cinemas should be kindly excused. I dont go out for movies alone yet. Nor do I beg my parents. So well, reviewing gets delayed. However though, I saw “Traffic”, going to the cinemas. 😛
Writing about it has been there in my mind ever since. For the urge to be strong enough to push me into writing this took so long! So now what actually pushes me into writing this is silly. A casual quick read of today’s chronicle gave me a glimpse of a self development feature, penned by Anupam Kher. He was vaguely talking about how life is a Domino effect. Or atleast, that’s what I vaguely deciphered from the write up, at a glance. Just as you get up, the first thing that happens to you is the trigger of the entire chain of events of the day. People call it by omen, lucky charm, divine signs and what not. The decision that you make this precise moment is totally dependent on the immediate previous moment of your life. And it continues, as if traversing through a reverse Domino effect. One after the other, perfectly cascaded and aligned. Thus happens life. A shouting at B. B throwing C out of job. C breaking up with D. D committing suicide in front of E. Enlightened E apologising to F. Fmaking friends with A. And back to A, B, C and D. Well, after putting this down, I guess I’m not cent percent correct with this theory of mine. It doesn’t feel wrong yet. 🙂
This stream of thought is awesomely conveyed through the movie. Every scene feels so related to the previous sequence of events. The story line crosses many lives and the connectedness is spread across all characters. Overall, you might miss consecutive connectedness. The relativity of the dialogues and the scenes are taken to a level so subtle that you dig into the movie to identify with them.
Like many our lives, unrelated instances create commotion and change the very course of the plot. Unable to identify with the strange relativity and subtle line of connectivity, people often fight back the swirl and drown themselves. Seldom do we realise, drifting along with the current is a much easier way to unravel the eerie ties of dependence!
Ah! The butterfly effect!
She aint my lucky charm nor am I hers. But luck is that single word I’d relate to her, over and over. It was long back. Long long back, when we were too small kids to even know the implications of being lucky. She called me lucky once. And hence started our distance. For a long time, I thought she took me for what I’m. Just the way I’m. But then, I didnt appear so transparent to her. Well, not her fault that I blackened myself. 🙂
A childhood friend, who grew more than to be a cousin. But then, we could have gotten better. Thinking of those tiny nasty things that we did…Lol. Wish I could make them public! She was always the good girl. Soft spoken, gentle, beautiful and loving. The perfect ritualistic orthodox innocent Brahmin girl anybody would love to call theirs. I wasn’t jealous that she’s all that. But it really got on my nerves when people compared me with her. How she helped her mom in the kitchen. How she respected her dad. How she took care of her flowing hair. How she obeyed elders. How she never spoke back. How she ‘that’. How she ‘this’. Ah! It was exhausting. And what does she say about it! “Soumya, eppadi di mudiyarathu unnala!”. Lol. She thinks high about me. She would have loved to rebel the way I do. Talk back the way I talk. Not obey, for once. Not seek advice, making a decision. She still likes me the way I am and the entire world is pushing me to be her.
I can foresee that. How my life is yet to be pushed to be a facsimile of hers. But it doesn’t matter. For I know what she is. What she wants. For the pious, loving, caring, obedient daughter she is, she’d also want to pull a prank on her dad. Fight with her mom for days. Sneak into her brother’s phone. Yay! It aint just me.
The two decades of
our lives, changes have swept all over us. So much in her. So much more in me. Beyond those infinite distances that has grown between us, I still owe her a rightful place in my life. When my dad scolds me for grabbing the glass from her and sipping it with my lips before I return, I should always be able to say, “Lakshmi thaane appa!”. My lucky lechu!
Taken aghast by the turn of events. So totally shocked to move a limb, raise a thought, utter a word. I’m shivering. Not in the chill. But in the coldness around me.
Changes are what people should be used to and okay with. But then, I aint very happy about the very change. One pushed
after the after, my stack is full. Overflow condition! They are still in stack. Cant execute any of them. Coz none of them gets popped. My top pointer was never incremented. How the heck am I gonna empty my stack and finally ‘accept’ changes!
Ah crap! My programming sucks. I’m ashamed to call it coding. ‘Coding’ sounds techy and geeky. But ‘programming’ is okay for losers like me. There’s always this bug that escapes my eyes. Rather, my skills. It usually is too late before I even acknowledge that the code is erroneous.
What do I do then? What are my options? I cant change a bit. I cant take change a bit. I’m just so fucked by the changes. And the blow, one after the other. Too heavy to be blown away!