Tag: Irony

From mastering languages to doctoring conversations

~ Soumya ~ Leave a comment

“Enne ezhuthiniruthiyathu appayaanu”, loosely translates to ‘my dad initiated me into learning & literature’. The lone Malayalam sentence in an hour long discourse in English. My dearest friend was expressing her gratitude in the final lap of her doctoral research on English literature. I couldn’t help but notice the irony. That one sentence in Malayalam contained more weight and meaning than her entire presentation and thesis in English. It conveyed the singular truth of gratitude in a daughter’s soul straight to the heart of a proud father. The eloquence of that one utterance silenced everything else.

Such is the power of words – thrives in subtlety and reigns with simplicity. In a different lifetime, this wouldn’t even have struck as irony to me. I would be more impressed by the sheer depth of the research and the grandeur of Beckettian discourse, than the tail end of a ‘vote of thanks’. But it hit me different today. I was and still am an aficionado of words and language. A ‘new’ word excites me more than it should (sadly?). A random one-liner on a tee-shirt makes me ponder longer than it deserves. And I genuinely believe all of these collectively make me the person I am – from a confused kid who used to read dictionary for fun to an adult who toys with the idea of a career in literature with no real efforts whatsoever! Somewhere along the way, I have silently given up being the grammar nazi and ‘learn a new word everyday’ kid. Perhaps it’s because it’s very tiring in a professional setting to ‘politely’ correct people. Perhaps it’s also because the Gen Z ‘aura farming’ is killing my vibe. Or perhaps it’s simply the fact that most of my personal conversations including the ones with this PhD holder friend defy grammar and the very structure of the language. The abrupt drop of an auxiliary verb, unintentional but unedited typos, and abundance of ellipsis – that’s how a normal conversation looks like these days. And I’ve more than made peace with it. It somehow connects me with the person more than a structured sentence. Honestly, this is not a surprising revelation. It should have been the de facto understanding. But for someone who has placed equal weightage on the beauty of a language and the essence of its conversations, this feels like an ‘upgrade’ that needs to be acknowledged.

Tamil, Malayalam, English, Hindi, Sanskrit – name it and I have my essays ready on how I relish each of its beauty – the nuances, the brevity, the flow, the interpretation of its literature. Then again, without any of those structure, I am all ears for a conversation filled with candour, gentle pauses, flowing thoughts and eloquent silences. While I don’t prefer one over the other, I will be swept off my feet with the perfect balance of both. I’m glad such perfect balances also exist in my life – the well-punctuated, properly capitalised, typo-edited versions filled with candid expressions!

The ’30 under 30′ list!

~ Soumya ~ Leave a comment

At one point or the other, do we not all want to be in some kind of list? List of students who move on to the next class in school. List of students who got into the prestigious college. List of people who can buy land in Mars. List of people who survived an accident. List of people who would make it through one more day. Endless lists of endless things. Endless feats. 30 under 30, 40 under 40, 50 under 50… but why? Lists give you a sense of accomplishment. Ticking every item, striking off each accomplishment – a list is a definitive way of measuring success at a personal level. Impersonal lists may or may not be definitive, but they still are a means to see how far you have reached.

Sometimes I wonder how cool would it be to be actually featured in some ’20 under 20′ or ’30 under 30′ list. It would feel super amazing I suppose. 20 under 20 is gone and 30 under 30 is also slowly slipping away. Never mind though. 40s and 50s are right there intact. Okay, now it sounds very weird. It’s almost like I believe there has been any such actual accomplishment in life. To clear things up, that wasn’t quite the intention of this intro. I am only trying to put my thoughts about lists and their relevance in our lives.

You and I – we all have lists. From grocery to daily to-dos – the list of lists is endless. Do you often wonder how these lists take control of our lives? Marking things on it and striking them off are so satisfying, aren’t they? The feeling of accomplishment of something. And it is all that we all live for. Some mental lists, some paper lists, some unwritten lists – reminders on the things to chase for. It is fascinating how aimless one feels without a list of action items. What happens to free will and thinking on the feet? Oh well, they do exist. But almost always enveloped by a big picture of some bucket list or to- do.

There were times in life when I had more than 3 to-do planners. With groups and folders and RAG status and what not. I still have some of those kind. But all of them are for work. I’m too scared to keep one for myself these days. It just feels like a blaring proclamation of my failure to strike things off them. Or some such weird thought. And lost in that fear and uncertainty, I guess I’m just missing out on some really fulfilling moment of life. Exactly like so many other moments in life.

P. S. This is a writing I’ve been working on for some months now. With many interruptions and excuses, I managed to delay this forever to be published. Ironically, this one strikes one thing off my ‘not-written- down’ list – write away with an endless expanse of ocean outside the window! Last word written exactly in time before my last day with this view – oddly satisfying!

Life of a dog

~ Soumya ~ Leave a comment

It crushes my soul and bleeds my heart,
Like I can’t breath and survive another minute,
Seeing you here, stuck and lost,
Waiting for the door to open,
For someone to let you out,
To the world outside, to your natural self,
Embracing life as you know it.

I feel your pain choking my throat,
My eyes welling up from an unfamiliar sorrow,
Unknown and strange are my thoughts,
With the tears I shed for you, no matter the hate.

Scared and hopeless, you and me,
I open the door through the fear,
Knowing its only for you and for you to never return,
And for me to be here without respite.
Sans your sorrow, does mine diminish ever?
How would you know, after all you are a dog!

Katha kettutha…

~ Soumya ~ Leave a comment

Katha kettutha.. – the words echoing in my ears for a month now. Did you hear the story? That’s the literal meaning of it. But the depth and profoundness of those words are unfathomable to me. Every time he asks if I ‘heard the story’ , there is a great deal of wisdom, love and thrill in his words. The undying spirit of a man eager to live life to its fullest. The man who’s only a memory now. But his words and his stories are etched forever in my thoughts.

So he died. Big deal. People die. Hundreds of thousands of people do. A hundred lives passed as I typed this sentence, all over the world. But when it’s close home, that’s when it halts the world. It was unexpected now. He was doing good, going by his life and taking care of ammammai, and watching over all of us. But I wouldn’t say it’s out of nowhere. He was old. And I thought he was dying a decade ago when he was hospitalised. Somehow with a certain age, you think people are ‘die-able’. And he was in that category. More than anyone else, he was the one who made peace with it the most. He wrote down his obituary, funeral arrangements, last wishes, and namesake will of all his and his wife’s belongings to the last detail. Neatly folded the document and entrusted with my dad for safekeeping, only to be presented when the ‘time’ comes. Without exaggeration, I literally wrote down his exact words with some fillers for his own obituary in the newspapers. I couldn’t believe I was doing so but did that without a thought anyway. Thatha never stops to awe you, never ever. He was a meticulous man, even in death.

It’s been exactly a month now. Am I seeking closure? A week ago when I started writing this, closure is what I sought. From the time of hearing the news, until this moment, I can’t stop hearing he asking me ‘katha kettutha’. Through the rites, I hardly cried. I was in a trance, shocked by this voice in my head. It felt like there are more stories he wanted to say, more memories he had to share and more about him that we all had to know. With time, of course the voice is fading. And that’s when I realized what I seek is not closure. What I seek is for his memory to stay with me. Not once a year during thavasham. Not when I taste a food he liked, or when I hear his name, or see ammammai. I want to bear him in my thoughts as a constant. A random story he once said, his mannerisms, his appearance, the ring he never let me have but always let me try steal..

I thought seeing ammammai without pottu would be the most heartbreaking thing after. It is the empty arm chair and the missing ring to steal that kill me though. It’s not what he was to others, it is who he was. S. Narayanan.

The month-long race!

~ Soumya ~ Leave a comment

I ran a month-long race and won against myself. I took up a challenge and wrote for 30 continuous days – scribbled would be a better word. Every productive activity must have some takeaway. So what are my key takeaways from 30 days of blogging?

  1. Don’t repeat this stupidity. The challenge eventually makes blogging a chore more than the passion to write.
  2. That being said, find some other excuse to write. Perhaps, start some series similar to the travel diaries or book reviews done in the past.
  3. Every random thought in life deserves a spot. Today’s stupidity might become tomorrow’s wisdom. Write away without reservations. You’re the most important reader.
  4. There were random comments and likes (apart from the ‘spammers’) on the blog from within the WordPress community. What I realised on visiting their sites: Good content is all around you. You just need the eyes for them.
  5. I don’t really have a 5th takeaway. But 5 is a round figure! Give in to your random pleasures like compulsive writing. It pays off in the long run.

All that said, will I come back to blog again tomorrow? I highly doubt it. But I’d frequent the space more often than before. Until then!

The light is inviting

~ Soumya ~ Leave a comment

White gown and the lavender lillies,
The long trail and my flower girls.

The brown shade of drying mehendi,
And my own troupe of dancing gala.

The turmeric paste and the saffron bindi,
And my flowery garlands and the three knots.

The well-begun tale of my dreams,
And the ill-fated days that followed.

Says every men and women,
Embracing the halves that make them better.

Like yet another fly and its drawing to the light.

A conversation

~ Soumya ~ Leave a comment

Person:
Why can’t all people be equally happy or equally sad?

Why are some more happy and some more sad?

Another person:
I guess that’s an eternal question that doesn’t have a solution.

It’s also similar to asking why are some people rich and some poor.

Disparity is rooted in humanity.

In material and immaterial attributes.

Wealth, happiness and what not!

Person:
Beauty is in disparity is such a cringing statement that I can’t stop uttering.

Another person:
Isnt it not?

What drives us to live?

Desire?

Where does desire come from?

Disparity.

If all of us live unhappily, or equally happily, what do we look upto? What makes us live for the next day?

Person:
Yeah, that’s what I meant. But we can say that philosophically because we are on the other side of the equal.

Another person:
Yes.

Person:
It’s simple. When problem hits us, it stops being beautiful in disparity.

Another person:
Disparity is not really beautiful or ugly.

It is merely something that exists. And could be a root cause of all human existence.

Exactly like ego.

Without ego, there is no humanity.

These are some abstract constructs that keeps us alive.

Desire is driven by despair. Despair is driven by ego. God knows what ego is driven by. Our human nature?

Person:
😊

Person:
Some equals are more equal than some other.

No Comments

~ Soumya ~ Leave a comment

How do you use your social media? Do you regret using it too much? Do you feel like you aren’t using it enough? I am not sure if these are thoughts everyone would relate to. People don’t deeply think about their social media usage patterns. Duh, that’s such a pointless exercise! But then, there could be a select few like me who just can’t stop overthinking. Lately, I’ve been analysing how I use this medium. Well, I’m not particularly bothered by the extent of usage because I’m on very select platforms only. What got me thinking was the abundance of content around me. I’m fairly active on Twitter, but there is no mention about any political affiliation, any social issue or any other ‘trending’ discussions in my profile. It is a quite space for myself, where I share my musings, my tiny random thoughts and follow things that are of importance to me. Not ‘tweeting’ about something doesn’t mean I’m in support of it, or I’m against it, or worst yet, that I’m ignorant about it. By ‘I’, I mean a tiny set of people who don’t comment about every single thing around us, but still live a full social life. There’s this one particular Twitter handle I’ve been following for some years. It was a contact through a Tech conference and I see regular updates from that person on tech alone. And once in a while about personal life, but never about the ‘alarming’ social issues. That has been my happiest part of the Twitter feed ever since. It feels good to have fresh thoughts to relish, breaking the monotony. I am not very vocal about my political opinions generally. It is not because I don’t have a stand, but because enough and more being discussed already. The deluge of opinions and comments about everything under the Sun (of course, above it too) – it is causing a rampage in the cyber space. Each one of us have our rights to express, I agree. But do we have to execute it as a duty shoved onto us? Too many are speaking, yet too less is heard. Listening is so underrated after all.

Yet another year..

~ Soumya ~ 1 Comment

All those optimistic ********, stay away. This is so not for you. This is not happy new year. It is just another year. Just another night giving in, and a morning taking it over, in an overly repeated boring cycle of ‘life’! Aw! That’s just dusk and dawn! Not life or anything! Well, my bad I guess.

So people! What’s the whole hungama? I just wanted to cuddle into my shell for one single day without disturbance. And the whole world was out celebrating! Ah come on! It was just another night. Okay, pathetic self realisation. This is not about the world. This is just me. Haven’t you quite heard of ‘denial’? Even the brightest of the world’s minds are found to be intimidated and victimized by denial! So it’s not surprising that a humble soul as mine gives up too! (If you haven’t, you must quite give a read on denial!)

I have been having a rough patch in life. And this is what I do these days. Read about ‘denial’ and Doom’s day! Talk about ‘Inferno’! And in this mindset, when I think about new year, ah chuck that! I dont even think about it! (Denial again? Perhaps!)

One major thing about 2014 – I no longer have a classic phone. My last C5 died of a heart attack on 31st December, 2013. Now that the company has stopped production of the model, I guess, I am left with 2 choices. Either, enter the ‘touch’ era! Or, step back to the ‘classy’ 1100 days! Ah denial!

Hola! Happy New Year pal, for reading thru and not frowning yet.

Escalation..

~ Soumya ~ 1 Comment

Escalation instead of rising above. Seriously! What’s even wrong with me! Why don’t I just use simple words and be in simpler terms with people and things. I guess it’s my passion towards big words, or the show off attitude! Should I even consider the possibility that, may be, its actually that I have a complex stream of thoughts, and the crudeness in it, is just reflected in the choice of words of expression. I believe its ‘I assume’ than ‘believe’ in my brain. ‘Elevated’ instead of ‘high’. ‘Crude’ for complex. ‘Indispensable’ for ‘essential’. ‘Survival’ for living. ‘Beseech’ for …what..I don’t even know a simpler word for that! That’s how wound up I feel. Never letting go of my ways. Never understood. Never fought for. Never won over. Never acknowledged. But not to forget mentioning, I totally don’t regret being misunderstood or not being understood at all. What hurts is the lethargy between doing something, and not doing that something. I don’t even know how those polar opposites things could have been connected in my brain. Perhaps. that is what my cousin read out of the health magazine and diagnosed me as a typical case of Bipolar Disorder!

Recently, every psychological write up on mental health and stability is kinda held against me, as I exhibit most of the symptoms, or so claim the people of my life! Whatever may that part be, I am assuming myself to be a sensible person. Sensible enough that I could write a book that generations ahead may find useful! But what should it be about is what confuses me! 😛 May be on how to gloat more euphemistically?!?

P.S. I suck! So much in writing. And so much more in other things. I am so confused about my own writing and lately I have totally stopped making sense. Did anybody even get any tinge of the sarcasm I intended at the last line of the crap above? If yes, a comment would be greatly appreciated. Only if you got the sarcasm. Just a self evaluation process for me.

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