Ever since I got down to this city, I’ve been travelling. On and on. On a two wheeler (many actually), by car, by bus, by walk. Long long distances. Hours turned minutes. Confusions turned solutions. Emptiness filled. Silence echoed. Walking around like a crazy woman was so relaxing. Well, it still is. But for some unknown reason, I feel like closing myself up in this room and just stay exactly like this. Like I totally hate going out.
But that aint true. Not true at all. Coz I love going out. Just anywhere out of enclosed spaces. I just feel so defeated today. So lost that I’d rather keep myself to myself. Had this stupid encounter in a bus. Was on my way back home from somewhere and I got into this crowded bus. With too many ladies standing in the front, and relatively too few men. And then I see this guy sitting in the seat reserved for ladies. He’s not a handicap. He’s not old. Pretty much in late twenties. And I wanted him to offer the seat to somebody there, who’s old and was practically saying out she’s tired, if not to me. And when I ask him, he wants the conductor’s recommendation to look into my plea. And now when I requested the conductor, he offered me the pleasure of kicking him out all by myself. I stopped looking at him. I got the next immediate seat I got and tried to push away his victorious grimace. But I was so defeated. So lost deep down. Not to that smart ass. Not that irresponsible conductor. But to myself. I was lost if I should ask for the seat or not. Demanding my rights was never a tough thing. So it was not about asking him to get up. All that it might have taken is a bit of yelling. But it was actually about my want. Did I really want that seat? Everybody wanted to sit but nobody cared to support me. And for a moment, it all felt so futile and lost. And I stopped. Defeated. It’s just that one moment that you need to pass. The judgment. The decision making. Whether or whether not. A life long of such crucial points is nothing less than excruciating. I couldn’t stand just one such moment. So defeated indeed!
4 thoughts on “Defeat!”
Been there, done that. I’m sorry that you are going through a defeated slump. 😦
I don’t know if this helps but I think everybody goes through them and after this you’d go through a high too… After all, life is a sine wave. 😛
PS: Word of advice, listen to Robot Boy by LP. It helps, really.
How will you fight for your rights if you do not take the first step? You want to have your own individuality or just be what everyone wants you to be? The choice is yours. Ask me… I am a fighter… and a survivor to boot! Good luck. Maybe not everyone will like you being assertive, but there will come a time when you will be at peace with yourself. Hugs!
May be its a cycle. First you worry about others, then you dont give a damn. And then you fight and find peace. And then again, you go back to where you are disturbed and defeated. Always somewhere in the same cycle. Don’t you think?