The glitter in her eyes,
And the glow of her face,
The frail frame that she is.
As she escapes into thin space,
Leaving me with the life she chose.
A life she chose for me,
And the warmth she filled,
And the tears she shed,
For a life she chose for me.
Numb and dead, smiles that fade,
I see her go, go away from me,
And the life she chose for me.

After a long break, back here, wanting to embrace more in life! Welcome 2016!
Smile a bit broader,
Laugh a bit louder,
Love a bit warmer,
Live life a bit slower!
Let the year be wonderful to you and me and everyone else!

June. July. Javascript. jQuery. The jBoss. It is all a ‘J’ frenzy. And of the lot, the introduction to jBoss would be that one thing that changed life. From that moment, there seems no getting back to the pre-jBoss days. I had always planned and plotted out this final post. At the end of July. End of jBoss. End of J. I had thought out the entire sequence of events, how, when, what and where of everything. But at this moment, at the end of J, I am at a loss. Nothing falls in place. Nothing makes sense. But holding on to the rails, I have surfaced again. Quickly looking at the ‘J’ episode, this is what I saw.
# I ‘un-smarted’ my phone and suddenly feel smarter than my old Nokia 5310! Looks like, I finally got back in control of my life and the people in it. It wasn’t a necessity, but a crazy thought, yet surprisingly rewarding.
# I am deeply thinking about life and future and career and all those huge things. Well, technically, it’s a peer thought and pressure currently. But somehow, this time, it feels like there’s been a lot of reflected thoughts and insights on my ‘plans’! The J effect again.
# I feel free. And careless. I am not mindful of the eyes looking at me or the ears around me. And that definitely is because I have learnt to laugh. Giggle. Crack jokes. Witty glances. I can actually scream and I quite never realized I could! And so much more. What a bliss to find someone who shares your sense of humor! An instantly favourite person!
# I feel confident. I am more aware. Of myself. And the surroundings. And that boosts up the spirit. I am okay walking out of the ‘J’ frenzy. Period.
# I am inspired. I aspire to grow ten years older. Nine to be precise. I see a better life ahead. I see a new horizon of endurance. I see me in the future.
I guess this is one of those posts of mine that’s going to make me so narcissistic. I am going to come back to this a thousand times over and over. For, these random lines of mine are, perhaps, what’s gonna keep me going forever, until I find what I seek. I have learnt to be calm. And strong. And beyond everything, to be good. Inspired for a life time.
The joy of finding a friend with the same mental disorder as you! The bliss of sharing the most joyous treasure! The bubbling of a smile over a ‘bubbly’!

Rain. It has begun again. The pouring happiness and bolting thunder. The tear of the above, the joy of the earth. That’s a Tamil film song, ain’t it? Well, copyright acknowledged to whomsoever may it concern. The context is not rain. The topic of discussion is my necessity to write. And how I look around for something to write. I feel sorry. So sorry for myself. My desperation to write. Like, writing it down at this moment will make it my most precious memory forever in life. But reality is too painful and I feel sorry for myself again. Sorry sorry me. Looks like, half the time I don’t even make sense in my writing. Or perhaps, more than half. People don’t make anything out of my writing and they think it’s such a waste of time. Well, technically yeah, a lot of time gets wasted. But somehow, I assume my writing to be a form of revelation and salvation. I feel accomplished every time I press the ‘Publish’ button. If things don’t go well for you, kindly stay away. It pulls a person back when you tell them on their face that their form of salvation is utter nonsense!
So back to rain, what were we saying? Chuck that! It’s raining cats and dogs. And that’s it. All I wanted was to assure myself that I am still capable of ‘writing’!

The month I despise. The month I am scared of. The month I survived. The month I proudly look back at. The month that endures a lot of pain. The month of agony. The month that’s most important but most ignored. The month that’s not so hot but all the more tiring. The month that’s not so dry but far from the clouds. The month I never saw all these years. The month that shaped birth and life and being into me. The month that sucked out the very same soul from me. The month I was born. The month I will fall and die and vanish. The month I will rise again. To witness yet another May. Or may not.
The fool’s month. Me. April.

DISCLAIMER : This is my personal opinion. Experiences hot and fresh from my life. Please don’t file a case against me for defaming your favorite sport. My day is pretty much screwed up already by you know what! Read it for fun and fun alone. My satirical drama.
Life ends today? World is finished by that stupid bat and ball? I am so tired. I am so so tired. So depressed. So so depressed. Why?! Why?! Why did I wear blue today! I feel like I am allied to some life threatening, malignant virus. Cricket they call it. Cricket. Cricket. How aptly did that annoying insect get named so! Its all the same. The game. The name. The bug.
I come running to office for the impending big day’s pending work. And what do I see! Live cricket streaming! Did I not mentally curse that guy, very so lightly, but not loudly at all. I don’t remember exactly. After all, that was just the beginning! Then walks in my team mate, panting and rushing as usual. I feel so impressed by his dedication, that I thought of dropping in at his cubicle. Casually enquiring about yesterday’s work and it’s progress, I look at his screen and what do I see! Scores oh scores! Cricket scores! Spilled all over, cricket cricket cricket! Alas! He laments to me about how bad the scores are looking! Did I not curse him a little too much?
Lunch. Relief I thought. Relief I wanted. And what do I get? A lunch time discussion and live streaming of the match! All TV screens flashing scores in all hues! Why why why! Not like I have ever been a part of any lunch time gossip, today I literally wanted to run away from the stupid stupid talk on the stupid stupid game!
Thank God I don’t have a brother who gets a day off from work coz his boss is crazy and called in ‘sick’ for the match! Thank God I don’t have a lover who forgets my birthday coz the ‘match’ happens today! Thank God I am not married, that my husband stays home instead of picking me up after work! Thank God my dad is still too scared of my sister to touch the remote! Thank God all the men in my life are not at all crazy about cricket!
P. S. I started writing somewhere in the middle of the game, frustrated by the negligence from everyone! Coz everyone was fixed right there at the match! By the time I post this, the match is long over. And now when I think! How silly, though true! It’s often not about things, but the perspective you look at them from!

I pity thee, social bastard! Lost in the charm of socialising! I pity thee. Thy existence. Thou shalt not be pardoned! I curse you, with the abundance of ‘followers’ and ‘likes’ and ‘favorites’ and ‘comments’! Thou shalt be buried in a tumbler, pinned down without interest, stumbled upon by ‘followers’ – where you lie under the poop of the blue bird, with no face to show and no book to read, gagging and feeding, your own scoop of… What’s that? That App?
I despise thy living and the sharing thine air with mine. Rot in hell, all you social bastards AND bitches! When life hits hard, colliding head on, then you see! Then you see! Then you see!

I am scared of people suddenly. This evening, I was thinking about how people around each one of us are actually kids and how easy it is to handle if you think of them as just kids! Quoting some recent incidents, an egoistic bastard (or so I thought) turned to be a silly attention seeking child! All he wanted was, perhaps, some attention and acknowledgement among the peers! I was so irritated by his continuous expressions of gloating, so much so that I was almost beginning to hate him! And suddenly, he revealed himself to be a really innocent child, struggling to bring some attention on him! I could easily let my frustration go away, and be cool with him again. More to quote, I have been thinking of all those silly fights going around me. I imagine all of them to be stubborn little kids, and suddenly I keep my cool again.
Despite all these wonderful thoughts of mine, suddenly I am scared. Of people. Human ambience is making me uncomfortable. I tend to avoid people. Even the usual company. And suddenly when I find it odd, I try to grab it back and ruin things further. I am disturbed by the random faces and the mindless ramblings around me. I am afraid of being in human company!

So why is your hair so long? (addressed to a guy!) What does it take to answer, ‘Coz hair just grows like that!’, knowing that the whole intention of the question was not just ‘that’! I have not yet defined what does it take to get that extra edge to tackle such ‘concerns’! The point is, how do you suddenly look at things differently and lightly and all the more satisfyingly! Hearing about this guy who quit job after ten years of savings, worth 4 lakhs, deciding to enjoy life till the money runs out, and then start over again with something else! I don’t know if I am laughing at him or laughing at myself. Do I want to do that? No I don’t. But do I believe that’s stupid? No I don’t. It’s too daring for me to think, but too possible to execute. What’s it that stops me? I guess it must be a very similar reason that stops most of you. More than the instability on life and livelihood, it’s the answerability that stops us. Going back home, the necessity to explain yourself to your parents, to the spouse, to the extended family and friends!
You want a career break. Whom do you inform? Your boss? Your company? Your immediate family? Makes sense so far. What is your second cousin’s father in law or your niece’s fianc doing in your career decision? Why is it that every Tom, Dick and Harry hold you answerable to them? You want a divorce. You want an adoption. You want to preach bachelor hood. You want to do bungee jumping! To who all do you explain the reason and rationale behind each of your life decisions. Why is everyone so ‘concerned’!
Why is it that a disease in the family undergoes autopsy within the family, even before the patient know anything. Why is it that a lot of us don’t see the border line! Isn’t that a simple logic! Stay out of my business. I will stay out of yours too. Poking into another man’s shit just gives in more space for someone else to poke into yours!

Is 2015 all about happiness? I wonder why bliss is my only topic these days. I think happy. I feel happy. I am happy. And now I write happy. Is it that there’s nothing bad happening yet? 22 days into the year and I sure have more than 22 reasons to be extremely sad and depressed ranging from… Well, let’s talk about what causes happiness. Sorrow is omnipresent. But happiness is the new guest I don’t know how to welcome yet! Should I just smile? Should I say it out? I don’t know. How do I make the happiness stay? I have been thinking if I could list down what all made me happy in the immediate past.
# The aunty who sits at the reception desk that I pass by every morning, walking into the office. I felt really good she said good morning ‘only’ to me. Felt special among my colleagues, for God knows what reason!
# A friend/colleague got into a project finally. I have no clue what in that makes me so happy. I could see myself practically grinning, reading her WhatsApp message about the allocation.
# Caught hold of that bug! Spot on! Right away shared a screen shot to the supervisor, sitting just a cubicle away. I was so happy hearing them laugh aloud. They were already wondering what to do with the newbie ‘bug’! (Or the newbie ‘me’!)
# So immensely happy Swathi is just like me! Learns things faster in reverse than in order. 100..99..98.. Proud moment of seeing myself her in! (Am I not to be sad she reminds me of an uncertain me!) I am excited seeing her grow up!
# Tamil is in the air! And the happiness is inexplicable! A colleague in team and so many other faceless Tamil voices in the air! Hardly any conversation that I hold, I am still beaming listening to the flowing Tamizh!
# Happy daughter again! Yelling screaming parents *tada* back in passionate conversations with me! Just like that! I have the magic back with me to pull them out of yelling at me, pushing them back to *cajole me* mode!
# This moment of happiness. Of finishing a bulleted post. A desire always held close to heart! To sound a like an authentic blogger!
Let me not have another bulleted list of sorrows. They are always safer under covers. But one little sorrow.. I had a special post planned for Jan 1st! And all these days of neglecting my blog, I thought I had already put it up! Chuck that! Maybe Feb 1st! 🙂